A thousand times - YES!
Oh my God. Absolutely. Positively. That was (maybe still is) me. My entire life. All 26 years. I love. And when I love - it's not some half assed thing. I love you. Beyond your physical. I love who you are at your very core. No matter how broken. No matter how dark and scary. I want to accept that, because I want you to know that I am for real. I do it because I want to heal you. Because in my mind, this makes me your hero. You'll look up to me. Put me on this pedestal. And love me - forever. To some it may sound crazy, and to some it may sound familiar. It's not crazy, a little delusional, but not crazy. It's just not healthy. It takes an emotional toll on you that eventually takes a physical toll on you. It can literally kill you.
I've just bought this book - Women Who Love Too Much.
And HONEY, let me TELL YOU. This book punched me in the gut before I got past the doggone Preface. Tryna play therapist? Wanting to share all your self help books? Girl (read: Macarra) ... stahp. You are not that man's mother or therapist (cuz is he paying you?). It's great to want to help - but ask yourself. WHY are you doing this? To fix him? Heal him? And if so .. for what? Or for who? For you? Why? Does he even WANT you? Girl (once again read: Macarra) ... you better ...
But let me backtrack and not chastise (just in case it sounds like that). Women were trained to believe that we are just nurturing and it's our job to want to fix and heal. Yes. I agree. But to what extent? And where in these bylaws did it state that we should neglect ourselves in the process? We're women. Beautiful, fragile creatures that are to be adored and protected. But here we are, tryna protect everyone else. Can you imagine a flower trying to protect a gazelle from a lion? Pray tell .. how's that gonna pan out? Your little cute behind will be squashed in no time flat. That's exactly how it is when you try to "fix" a man. That isn't your job! Especially if you're doing it while in a relationship or in an attempt to make him "better" for you. You. Cannot. Change. Anybody. You just can't! I know all these BS romantic mushy crappy movies make it look like we can, but we CANNOT! Only God change someone - and you're not Him so ... stop. Let people steer their own course. Let them run their own race. Let them fall down, get up, fall back down, break a leg, cry, damn near die and survive. THAT'S how people grow. Not by you coddling and constantly meddling. Did someone do it for you? Chances are, no. And did you die? Nope. You're still here. The victor. So victorious even, that you wanna help everyone else.
Another thing this does? Make you feel less feminine. Then you start to expect less of men. You don't expect men to court you, anymore. You don't expect flowers or chocolates. You don't expect to be asked out on dates - because you're so strong and masculine, now. You wanna be the aggressor. Ma'am. Chill. Thanks.
Loving too much leaves you so incredibly depleted. I'm speaking from experience. Spending all this time trying to build up this man's confidence, building up his ego, his self esteem and what is he doing for you? Absolutely nothing. Wait ... maybe he is. He's putting in the bare minimum to keep you around. Doing just enough to make you think all your wok is not in vain. Please believe me when I say a man will put in the effort for someone he deems worthy. If he's not doing it for you .. well ... you get where I'm going with this. And FYI. FY-friggin-I, just because ONE man doesn't think you're worthy, doesn't mean all men think that. It also doesn't make him a bad guy, either. (We have a tendency to hate men who don't reciprocate our love. Girl. Chill. That is some self defeating shxt and you needa stop). And to be fair, how many guys have we turned down because we didn't deem them "worthy". Didn't stop them from moving on, right? Go 'head. Check his FB, IG or Twitter. Chances are he's boo'd up and much happier than your miserable self. Lol. It was a joke. Lighten up!
I'll share more as I read the book (cuz I know y'all ain't gonna buy it!).
Hope I don't get sued for infringement. Haha
Breeding ground for disappointment. But we cannot help it. We expect certain things to happen and when they don't ... we're upset, annoyed, disappointed. We expect that our mother will remember to call us on our birthday, we expect our significant other to be concerned if we're sick and we expect our friends to side with us in an argument. But unfortunately, not everything goes according to plan. And you have to accept that ... people WILL disappoint you. I don't care how many times you tweet "Expect less, be disappointed less", you will ALWAYS expect something. The problem comes when you can't control your reaction to being disappointed.
Because this can be a very lengthy discussion on expectations, I'll narrow it down. Expectations in dating.
When you're dating someone new there are certain things you just expect to happen. No matter how long you've known them. As a woman, if a man is pursuing you, you expect to be asked on a date. You expect some phone calls, Whatsapps, DMs. You expect him to be nice. He's trying to win you over, no?
But what happens when this doesn't happen? What happens when he calls every day ... then stops. Then starts calling every other week. What happens when he never asks you out on a date? What happens when he only ever suggests at intimacy before establishing anything with you? Do you try to show him that you're worth more than a roll in the hay? Do you question yourself and the image you portray? Or do you simply give in, give him what you THINK he wants in hopes of gaining more attention?
Sidenote: Being a single woman is not as hard as people make it out to be. Are you a little lonely when the weather drops to a cool 65 degrees at night? Sure. Do you feel a little pang when all of your friends are busy with their boyfriends and you have to stay home and paint your nails? Well, duh. But does this mean that being single is a curse? HELL NO. This is your time to focus on you. Go back to school, find a hobby, join a club. And how in the hell do you expect to meet anyone at home?!
Back to expectations. Like I said, we all have them but how high are they? Expecting LESS (as opposed to nothing) from people is a lot more doable. If he doesn't call when he said he would ... okay. Who cares? Are you going to text him 20 times and demand an explanation? For what? He may have forgotten. He may have gotten busy. Hell, he may have died! (Okay, that's extreme but not impossible!) If he doesn't ask you out on a date, are you going to question your attractiveness? Drop hints like, "Aw man, I really wanna watch this movie but I don't have any company." Girl ... no. I always tell women, a man knows JUST what to do to get and keep a woman. They only play crazy. If he wanted to take you out, he would've asked you, boo. If he didn't .. well then, maybe he just didn't want to.
The key here is to not get upset. Keep calm and relax that snatch. Women have this thing where they feel like because they're so awesome, every man will want to marry them. In reality, that's not how it works. Some men really just wanna hit and run, boo. Nothing on your part. That's just what they want. Hell, you're gorgeous. Even your dream man will initially think about having sex with you. But does this mean you should lower your standards in hopes of going on a $30 movie date? That's all you're worth? THIRTY DOLLARS?! I didn't think so.
But maybe this comes with age because the older you get, the more of a realist you become. Sugar coating days are over. You may really like this guy but he may just not be that into you. And because you've already been exposed to so much, it's almost like, "Oh well. His loss." And you keep it moving. But at 19, you try to dissect his behavior with your friends over margaritas.
Maybe he likes you TOO much.
Maybe he's going to surprise you with a candlelit dinner in the park.
Nope. He. Is. Just. Not. That. Into. You. And guess what? That's okay. I feel like sometimes this sense of entitlement comes from mothers teaching their daughters, "If you're a good woman, men will want you", so when a man doesn't want us, we question that. We wonder if we have to conform to what we THINK he wants in order to be desirable. Couldn't be further from the truth. Remain true to who you are and the right fella will eventually come along.
Aight. No disclaimer. Just getting straight to the point.
I love love. I promise I do. Nothing warms my heart more than seeing a couple truly enjoying, loving and appreciating each other. And when you're happy you wanna share it with the world. Hell, I know I do. But never can I ever, appreciate or understand people that fake it. Now ... I don't know the intricacies of everyone's relationship and vice versa but Nassau is only so big. Everyone's best friend has a best friend. People talk. People see. People hear. Your dirty laundry will be aired at some point whether you want it to happen or not. Prepare yourself for it. I sure do.
With that said, nobody needs to know when you guys are not speaking or when someone messed up, but we also need you to keep that extra, unnecessarily mushy shit to a minimum. Sometimes it can be cute and funny but when your boyfriend was macking in my DMs last night, his tweets about his "Wifey" only make me chuckle. And when I witnessed you guys having a cuss out over dinner last night, I can only laugh at your "So happy I found my soulmate" tweets. It's like ... who are you REALLY trying to convince? Us or you? I'm going to go with the latter for $500, Alex.
Aren't you tired of creating a fake happy life on Twitter? Don't you grow weary of being the laughingstock of Twitter? Don't you wanna be happy in real life?! My God. I don't understand how you're able to confess (type) your love for him all over Twitter with all those tears in your eyes! Talk about multi-tasking!
I don't see the point of lying to other people and moreover, lying to yourselves. Why are you shortchanging yourself? Because you've been together for a while? Because people expect you to stay together? Because it's comfortable? You should be HAPPY, damnit! Why are you robbing yourself ... and somebody else? Not every day is rainbows and unicorns but my goodness, cheaters and liars are never to be tolerated. Especially when it happens over and over. Yeah people mess up but over a span of 2 years, he's had HOW many "other women"? Oh. And she's had HOW many men financing her behind your back? And you stayed because ...? Aight.
But what about people who suffer in silence? I feel sorry for you the most. You aren't happy but you'd rather hold on to the shell of a man/woman than be alone. The single life has its pros but there is nothing better than being with someone that makes you happy (or happier). Having a best friend that you're absolutely in love with. Someone who gets you and APPRECIATES you. Just as you are. Why would you give that up for someone who constantly makes you feel like you're not good enough? I'd rather trudge it out and get my feelings hurt a little (or a lot) and find the person that makes it all worth it, than live the rest of my life in regret.
But alas, not everyone is Macarra. I'm a weird person. I'd prefer to hurt myself now if it means that one day I'll be happy. I'd rather cry myself to sleep (for now), than stay in an unfruitful relationship, holding on to some pretend happiness, knowing deep down I am hurting. Being a straightforward person, especially in relationships, is incredibly difficult. I address issues head on and even if the outcome is unfavorable, I like to know what I'm dealing with. If you aren't happy with me, then by all means, please leave. I can only fight for it, if you do. I've seen too many one-sided relationships. One person is fighting to hold on to "love" while the other is chilling at Starbucks, enjoying a fresh Venti Caramel Macchiato. It's not fair and it's tiring. Even for the person having to witness it.
Movies and songs have made us to believe that love is perfect. Once you're in love, you magically turn into this perfect being that makes no mistakes. This couldn't be further from the truth. The only thing I expect from love is loyalty, respect, communication, admiration and some good damn sex. NOT perfection. But like I said not everyone is like me. I'm a weirdo.
In short, live life for YOU. Not for other people. I promise they don't care ... they're just there for the jokes.
Women are funny. Critical and envious by nature. Another woman has a new bag? We have to get one just like it or better. New shoes? Maybe we should buy a new pair, too. Nothing wrong with healthy competition. Keeps you on your toes. But it's when you start comparing your self worth do you have a problem. And not until you start eyeing their man do you have an even bigger problem.
Women want the fairytale. They want the good man who'll wine and dine them, sex them senseless and be able to take care of the home (financially). So when another woman has that and we don't, we feel some kind of way. That way is jealous. So we either go out and actively search for a man that can do this or just take hers. Easy, right? He has all the qualities you want and they're not married so he's on the market, right? Right. R.I.G.H.T. So wrong.
You see the outside. Not the inside. You see the rewards. Not the toil. You don't really know him at all. A song just came to my mind, Tanya Stephen's "Tek Him Back". In the song, Tanya "stole" someone's man because she thought he was everything she wanted but quickly found out that she could not deal with him. She thought he was rich, he wasn't. She thought he was stylish, he wasn't. She thought his sex game was on point, it was below subpar. Wanna know why he was flourishing the way she THOUGHT he was? The woman he was with made him appear to be (even if he wasn't) the perfect man. She was probably the one financing him, paying his car note, buying his clothes ... presenting to you this "good man". And because you're none the wiser, you want this "good man". And then you get him ...
Are you willing to do what she did to keep this man? Are you willing to put up with what she did? You can't answer that "Yes" or "No" because you DON'T know. You don't know what she did. You don't know what she put up with. And you don't.know.him. Trust me, I've been there, done that. I always refer to that time of my life as #TheYearOf21. I was a BIIIIIITCH, lmao. Omg. You have a girlfriend? Yeah. I don't care. I want you, so I'm stealing you. And can I TELL you how I had to place that negro on a box with a lovely "Return To Sender" sticker?! I just couldn't deal! He was fine, I thought he was loaded and I thought he was "loaded". Ehh! Wrong. Chal boo, I was over that young man in less than a month. And I totally had a Tanya Stephens moment and send a lovely apology letter to his ex's (currently wife) Facebook inbox. Smh.
So in short, to all you lovers of the phrase "He's fair game until he's married", remember that. If he wants to be with you, he'll come. You can't REALLY steal someone's man unless he wanted to go in the first place. So if you feel like this man is the one for you, the one God kept for you, the one you were born to love ... be patient. I'm sure your time will come. If not, move on. Or you can wait around for a wedding invite and make your declaration of love there! ^_^
So me and my nosy, fast self responded to a tweet this morning. The topic? Being submissive. Apparently, it's a sign of weakness and nobody really sees the point or what it really means. I'd like to take a few minutes and share my thoughts. (Once again, being fast because nobody asked for it, lol).
I grew up in church and was always taught that a wife is to be submissive to her husband. To be completely honest, I always said I couldn't do it. I always envisioned the submissive wife as the woman who had no voice, no opinions, no objections. She was more of a "Yes Woman". I have a big mouth. I talk a lot, I'm objective, opinionated and like to ask "Why?". For a while I had written marriage off as something that would never happen for me. And then I got my first real life (out of high school) boyfriend ...
And I thought he was The One. So I did the "submissive" thing. Friends coming over to watch the game? Well, I must clean up, prepare snacks and stay out of their way. He liked chicken? Well I prepared chicken every possible way. Not a big fan of peas in his rice? Well no peas in the damn rice! Simple, right? No. I was miserable!! Do you know how many times I wanted to say "No"?! But I didn't. Why? I was playing my role as the submissive .... girlfriend. WHAT THE HELL?! That was my first mistake. I was his GIRLFRIEND. NOT his wife. Needless to say, The real Macarra reared her remy wearing head and voiced her opinions. And what happened? Chaos. He was already far too spoiled. And I was already far too over it. End scene.
Next relationship? I was anti-submission. I uttered the word "No" like it was going out of style. And because I couldn't find a middle ground, another failed relationship.
So I dated a few guys, trying to find my balance not quite getting it right. Then I realized I was trying too hard. Trying too hard to be submissive-aggressive when there is no such thing. So I started to be myself. I'm a naturally giving person with some selfish ass tendencies. (Blame my parents. They should have had another kid!). I think that's a pretty good balance. Over the years I've learned how to give and how to hold back. No day is the same and some days you give more than your significant other and that's okay. Once it doesn't become a trend you will be fine.
But back to my point on submission. At 25, I think I get it. Being submissive doesn't mean you're weak, but that you are woman enough to know when to step back and allow your man to take his rightful place as the head. You know how to provide support and feedback without completely tearing a hole into his always-fragile ego. You know how to make suggestions and how to respectfully decline. Sometimes you may have to be blunt and direct but there is always a right and wrong way to do this.
Wrong: What the hell? That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. That makes no sense.
Right: I see your point but what if we tried another way?
And to the women reading this, shaking their head in disgust I beg of you, stop trying so hard to be so tough! You weren't created to be a man. If you were ... then ... you'd be a man. And I can guarantee you (unless your man is a DL brother), your man does NOT want to date a man ... he wants a woman. So be that. Nobody says you have to cry over everything or whine and complain but stop being so cold. It's okay to randomly tell him you love and appreciate him. It's okay to buy him a gift for no reason. It's okay to be emotional and cry during a movie. He won't think you're weak. Instead, he'll want to be a man and protect you even more. If he doesn't, then maybe you aren't dating a real man. If you feel as if he's going to manipulate and take advantage of your "weakness", then you're with the wrong one. Your man should be okay with you being strong and with you letting him take the lead. And it'all about compromise. (Another topic altogether!).
I think we've allowed this "Independent Woman" phrase to screw us over. Don't mind Beyonce, she is QUITE married. And I am pretty sure she knows just how to be submissive without being a pushover. (Mostly cuz I cannot see Jay Z as the type to let a woman walk all over him). They're a pretty good example of two strong personalities that have learned to complement each other. (Whether they're Illuminati affiliated or not).
So go on my youth. Flourish in estrogen! Embrace your PMS! Trust me, a real man is pretty much prepared for it. So let 'em have it! ;)
You guys were SO in love. Everything was perfect. There were talks of marriage, babies, growing old together. And BOOM. Everything DONE UP! And you’re sitting there like “Man what the hell? Things were going so well. Maybe if I …. Or if I didn’t … “
Yeah. Most of us have been there and done that. And it sucks! Sleepless nights, puffy eyes, no appetite … love is a scary game to lose in. But there’s something called LIFE. You gata get up and continue to live yours. You really think he’s sittin’ up at home, curled up with a Danielle Steel novel worrying about you? And do you really think she’s drowning her sorrows in that 2,313,141 litre bottle of Grey Goose. Hell to THE no. So I would suggest you get off your backside and live ya damn life.
But what happens when they send that fateful text: “Hey, wassup?” Two words. Three syllables. A PLETHORA of meanings. Does this mean they wanna chill, make up, be friends, have sex? Did they FINALLY realize that they made a mistake?! YES! YESSSSSSSS! All is not lost! No, you fool. What this probably is, is a leeway to converting you into a cutta.
It’s so easy to be a cutta for your ex. So familiar. Comfortable. Easy. It doesn’t even feel wrong. Then you start to think, “Maybe if we do this more often, he’d remember why we were so in love,” No, donkey. If he wanted to remember that he would have never left in the first place! And trust me, I know the lies we feed ourselves:
One day he’ll remember why we were so in love.
I’ll just give him more time.
I’ll stay single just in case he wants to come back.
Girl you better TRY hard move the HELL on. To be honest, in more instances, the only way to really get over someone is to end all communication with them. The back and forth is stifling and so very tiring. You may think you’re strong enough to handle being their “friend” but you will more than likely end up in their bed being all “friendly”. Especially if you know you’re still in love with him.
If the man ended it with you, let him live with his decision. If he wants you back for REAL, you’d know. And no, just because he says “I miss you” in a text means that it’s genuine. If you truly believe with all your heart that this man is sorry (and you’ve put him through the ropes), then go for it. Your heart, not mine. But I will say it is VERY rare that this happens. A man that knows what he has, when he has it, hardly needs any reassuring. And chances are, that scumbag probably dumped you for a pretty face and when he found out that she was NOTHING to compare to you, came running back.
Don’t be someone’s doormat. Maintain your dignity. Keep your pride. Guard your heart. At the end of the day, YOU are all you have.
Lmao. I'm awful. A whole month later ... but here I am with part 3 of my 5 part series thingy.
Last time I talked about the smothering women. This time I wanna talk about the ones who do the EXACT opposite. Yeah, you. I see you. Miss Independent Woman. :)
I have nothing against a woman who has her own. As a matter of fact, as a woman that calls herself "independent", I applaud you as well. Being on your own as a woman is never easy. It is incredibly easy to sell yourself short in order to have nice things. You can lay on your back for a week and come up with my month's salary. And if you have low self esteem and no morals you may be a-okay with this lifestyle. But I'm sure many of you reading this are not and would prefer to hold your head in your '01 Accord than hide behind shades in your '12 S-Class Benz. So you work. And hard. Need a man? Nope. YOU GAT IT. But where do we draw the line?
How do we maintain our independence within a courtship or relationship? How do we submit without losing ourselves? How do we cater without feeling like a slave?
Relationships, platonic and romantic, are a lot of work. Whether you choose to admit it or not. Think about a real, genuine friendship. You want to be there for your friend, but are you willing to be there when it isn't most convenient for you? Are you willing to sacrifice a little sleep in order to help a friend who really needs it? No? Well then, let me tell you that you are in no way, shape or form ready to be in a committed adult relationship. A romantic relationship calls for the same thing. But here, we call it compromise.
Compromise. Such a scary word, right? Speaking as an only child, I never understood this concept until my early 20s. And I didn't learn it in a relationship. I learned it on the job. I put in for a few days off but so did my coworker. Mine was in first so I should have been happy I got my time, right? Wrong. I wanted the time off to take a shopping trip. She wanted the time off to take her son to a medical facility in Florida. So what did I do? Compromised. I gave her my time off (along with extra days) and we agreed that she would cover my shifts in return. Easy, enough. And while this case is a bit of an extremity, it still showed me how to compromise.
As an independent woman, our ways of thinking are a little skewed. If we can do it, so can a man. He asked you to a MOVIE on your first date? WHAT THE HELL? You could do better if it were you. You would have taken him on a late night, romantic picnic. And what do you do? Complain and pout about "hating the movies as a first date option". Some of you would take another route and suggest YOU pay for the movie and food in an attempt to show your "independence". This will REALLY make him fall in love with you now! A woman who isn't afraid to pay for things? Whoa! He just won the jackpot! No, stupid. A REAL man doesn't think this. He thinks "Jesus, does she think I'm broke? I asked HER out. Imagine what it would be like to be with her. She may want to pay for everything and I'll never get to do nice things for her. Such a competitor. Maybe I'll just consider this a free movie and move on." And once again, you're stuck at home on a Saturday night. Alone. And no missed calls. And ya know what you're probably thinking after that date? "Psshh. He wasn't man enough." Yeah, sure. Cuz your balls were heavy enough for the both of you.
JUST BE A WOMAN. If a man wants to take you out, LET HIM DO IT. He wants to take you to dinner? You don't need to reach into your purse when the bill comes. A man KNOWS what he is supposed to do and trust me if he feels like you're worth it, he will.
And as for "catering" to a man. Please know that this is reserved for a man that's given you some kind of commitment. It doesn't have to necessarily be marriage, but at least be on the same page. Catering to a man doesn't mean you scrape his calluses with a butter knife but you know how to make him feel like a man. He comes over to your place? Prepare a home-cooked meal with a nice bottle of wine. Or turn your bedroom into a massage room, oils and candles included. This doesn't make you any less of a ball-buster in the courtroom or boardroom or wherever you're employed. But when you come home to your man, you gata shake that off. You are a WOMAN then.
I'm laaaaaaate! I apologize. But this is segment 2 of my blog series.
Topic of discussion? GET YOUR OWN LIFE!
I am so sick of seeing women literally losing themselves in relationships. Seriously. Do you all of a sudden forget your friends, family members, interests and hobbies after you and your man have been together for more than a year? Why? Because you both have so much in common, right? Lies.
While most relationships are formed out of similar interests, the more intriguing part is being with someone ELSE. Not yourself. Who wants to date a male/female version of themselves? Pretty boring if you ask me. Too predictable, mundane, repetitious. Always knowing what your partner is thinking must be SUPER fun. Yeah. Super duper.
I've conducted a scientific study (which means I asked 10 men on Twitter) and men prefer a woman that did her own thing. And I PROMISE you I'm not lying. I asked the question: "Would you prefer a woman that wanted to spend all of her time with you or be with a woman that did her own thing from time to time?"
"definitely, one who does her own thing from time to time, but not so much where she thinks she so Independent that she doesn't need a man" - @TheKelsiem
"Did her own thing from time to time, niggas need their space dread" - @SB_Dread
"Did her own thing from time to time. Repetition of anything can become boring. I dont care how much people like to say "do what you love.." doing what you love can also get tedious. Thats why they have weekends, sabbaticals , vacations…so in that same regard…i think some time apart is necessary..and also it helps bring back something fresh to the relationships….cant share new experiences and stories if you're never really apart right?" - @Meck0
"I have a frat, Super Team, and a clothing line I'm planning. Imma need my gf to know she gotta have her own live and link me in between." - @2CUTTAZ
"... as long as u at least keep me in the loophole like "Hey me n so n so hanging out i ga talk to you later" i'm good" - @TheTanMamba
"Did her own thing time to time...I'm a person who is independent so I like my own space and that thing seems clingy u know that" - @GritzBrownz
"Does her own thing ... She just cant get ridiculous with it.." - @JayComplex
"Option B. If I'm dating someone, I wanna spend a load of time with em, but I want my space too" - @IllestKevAlive
This is what men think! And I don't care HOW you try to defend it, if you spend 90% of your free time with your man (and are unmarried .. but then again, even if you are), you, my dear, need a LIFE. I think women believe that keeping a man "hot" will ensure that he has less time for other women. But HONEY CHILD, can I TELL you how a man (or woman for that matter) will FIND time to cheat? Smothering won't make him want you more. It'll actually make him want you less.
Ever had a new plant and was so excited you over-watered it? What happened to it after a few days? It died, no? See those little holes at the bottom of the plant pot? Yeahhhh ... that's what your man needs. Breathing room. Space. Filter time. And if his filter time consists of hanging out with his friends, playing COD, some fantasy basketball mess or lounging off scratching his balls ... LET HIM DO IT! Geepers. Go call up your friends (if you have any left), make a spa appointment, get your nails done, hair done ... something! But you MUST have something you wanna do without him.
I thought this was common knowledge but apparently, it ain't. :( So I'm just here to shed some light on not so obvious reasons we stay losin'! I know it's pretty touché but absence really does makes the heart grow fonder ... and his ... well .. you know ... stuff ... want your stuff more! LOL :)
Next Week's Topic: Independent Woman: A Blessing And A Curse
Aight. It's been like over a month since I posted something and it wasn't because I didn't have any new material, it was more of a "What do I post that's most relevant/pressing?"
I wanna talk about women losing in love. And I seemingly have to keep reiterating "I AM NO RELATIONSHIP EXPERT". If I were, I'd be happily married, with my 2 kids, Yorkshire terrier poodle shitzu, in my 2 story home in some fancy residential area. But alas, I am a 24 year old single woman with no kids. And NO, I am not a lesbian. But while I am no relationship expert, I do analyze. A lot. And thanks to my ever interesting TL (for the Twitter savvy crew) I get LOTS of material. This is gonna be a 5 part series to be posted weekly. And today, I wanna talk about the MAIN reason we keep losing: Insecurity.
Yes, yes. It's that ugly word again. Everyone has 'em. But everyone handles theirs differently. Women, however, seem to bare them on their damn foreheads. Yes, you wish you could get a nose job and yes you wish you had bigger boobs but NO this will not make every man fall head over heels in love with you. You wanna know what men fall in love with? A strong personality. A challenge. A woman.
Don't believe me? Watch the flex. I dated 3 guys back to back. At first, I was stern, bitchy (for lack of a better term) and aloof. And what do you think happened? The guys pursued me even harder. When I finally let my guard down and let them insecurities come out to play .. whooo chall! I was straight LOSING. And do you know what each of them said? I kid you not: "I didn't think you'd care if I left or not. I expected you to say 'You wanna leave? Well you lose.'" And I mean they sounded DISAPPOINTED. Well comin' home! You mean after all that chasing you still want me to be a bitch?! I obviously missed the memo. But I got it. Men will ALWAYS love a challenge.
Think about it. Which toy do you appreciate more? The one you didn't ask for or the one you saved up a year's worth of lunch money for? Yeah, I thought so. Man when you get that toy you are so PROUD! Drop? Break? What's that? That thing may not even come out of the box! And that my friends, is how men view a woman. Well, his at least. A prized possession. But after it's lost it allure, what's the point? Time for a new toy, no?
Now nobody is saying you have to be a mean and callous prude all the time but be CONFIDENT. If another woman comes into the room YOU DO NOT SEE HER. Who is she? Halle WHO? Nahh, son. YOU are in that room and as far as you're concerned, HE is lucky to be with you. Trust me, this turns men ALL the way on.
Exes? YOU HAVE THEM EH?! Chall boo I couldn't care less about the woman before me. You could have dated Beyonce, as far as I'm concerned I upgraded ya. When you give off this attitude and MEAN it, watch the man fall in love. Slowly but surely.
Another thing y'all gata stop doing is DICTATING. Another form of insecurity. Don't TELL the man which women he can and cannot talk to. Are you threatened? For WHAT? Over HER? What does she have that you want? You already have a great relationship and a great man ... chill. Besides, if ONE woman doesn't want your man, you lose. :( He looks at another woman? So what? If he leaves you, who's losing? Really.
These are just my humble opinions but I'm sure you can see where we've been going wrong. You are really your own worst enemy. Confidence is the order of the day!
Next Week: Part 2 - Get Your OWN Life!
Ever dated a guy that you thought had potential to be "The One?" I'm sure almost all of us have. The only problem was ... his friends. His single friends to be exact.
See, our great guy suffered from LMS. Likin' Man Syndrome. He did EVERYTHING his single friends did. Cuz they were boys and it was a must. So if one dude buys a Blackberry, they all get a Blackberry. And if one switches over to an iPhone, they must ALL switch over to an iPhone. Chall, I guess.
And it didn't stop with material stuff. It trickled right on down to their personality. If one was a womanizer, everyone followed suit. How incredibly wonderful. Right? :|
Now before you men attack my behind, this is NOT the case for every man. Some men actually think for themselves and will be the only boo'd up man in a sea of single friends. Those are the special ones. The ones who don't need extra encouraging from their friends to date because they know who they are and what they want. Whether their friends agree or not. (My lil disclaimer).
But y'know what I've learned to do with a man suffering from LMS? RUN! Run for the friggin' hills. If you want a future with this man and he is more interested in Sunday night football with the boys cuz they come first, you might as well just leave. You cannot CONVINCE a man to be with you. And if you do, how long until he changes his mind?
Trust me, I've been here and done it. And I'm seeing it happen right now! It's so sad how much control a man has over the potentiality of a relationship. Don't believe me? In about 80% of cases (cuz I conducted my own study ya see) relationships are formed because the man pursued you/was ready for a relationship. You can disagree; that's fine. You can shout at the computer screen, I can't hear you. So as far as I'm concerned you agree.
Another thing you're GOING to agree with. When a man has several close male friends and they're single, they wanna be single too. Mostly cuz they don't wanna feel left out or teased for having a "baby". But when their friends are getting married and domesticated, they wanna follow suit. Sounds stupid but it's true.
Now you're probably thinking, "When in the hell am I gonna win?!" As SOON as you stop pursuing unavailable men. And I don't mean someone else's man. I mean a man who has TOLD you he ain't ready for a relationship. Honestly. You cannot make him change his mind by cooking for and cleaning after his behind.
This is probably the one time this man's gonna be honest. (JOKING!) Keep it moving. Don't wanna completely let go? Aight, cool. DATE! DATE DATE DATE! Do NOT put all of your eggs in this man's basket. Cuz how heartbroken will you be when he pops by your house one day to drop off his wedding invitation?
Want a serious, steady relationship? Date someone that wants the same thing. Why waste your precious time with a man who's TOLD you "Yah bey, I really jus wan chill ya see. Ine lookin' for nothing serious." WHY?! I did it before. WAY too many times before. It don't work, boo. But ya know what wrong with us women? We wan be Captain Save A Jackass. If the man don't wan be serious/monogamous with you, what you wasting your time for?! Wake up like I did and push out!
It may sound cliche as hell but honestly, it's better to be a single, happy woman surrounded with loving friends than a woman in a dead end relationship with a man that will NEVER commit.