I swear I write things talking to myself, hoping to reach someone in the process. I hate giving these out, but here’s a disclaimer: This is not directed at any one particular person. So please, in the name of my blog: Don’t. Catch. Feelings.

Such a gentleman. He’s smart and funny; very easy on the eyes. You can talk for hours on end about everything and nothing at all. You share the same goals, the same morals and beliefs. And to put the icing on top of this perfect cake; the sex is mindblowing. There’s just ONE problem. He. Is. Not. Yours.

How the hell does this happen?! How does someone so perfect for you belong to someone else? How does someone else get to open your Christmas gift and play with it before you?! What kind of sick, twisted, demented person does something like that? His girlfriend, maybe? Or perhaps, his … wife? Yeah, boo. He is not yours. And as hard as it may be, you’re gonna have to let him go.

We allow our hearts to trick us into staying in situations like this.We know that we should leave. We know he belongs to someone else. We know we won’t win. We know for a damn fact that karma is real and has no mercy. Yet, we stay.

Could it be the emotional connection? The physical? Spiritual? Whatever it is, we need to look past that and see the bigger picture. At the end of the day, you’re investing a hell of a lot of time into somebody that is not yours. It’s almost like investing all of your life’s savings into someone else’s bank account. What sense does that make? Depleting yourself and replenishing someone else?

It’s easy to be on the outside and judge:
“Why doesn’t she just leave him alone?”
“Why is she such a homewrecker?”
“She should be ashamed; she knows better”

But, who are YOU to judge? It’s easy to stand on the outside and judge, but being in the situation gives you a whole new perspective.

While we may not be able to control who we’re attracted to, we CAN control how we go about dealing with these feelings. Some just take longer to gain control of these feelings than others which CAN be disastrous. Imagine being “committed” to a man that has a girlfriend, fiancee or wife for about 2 years. Can you imagine the emotional bond they may both have together? And while some men are incredibly scummy and may be filling your head with lies about his significant other, the choice is YOURS to stay or to leave.

I know it feels right. The sparks fly. The sex is great. How could this POSSIBLY be wrong? How could you POSSIBLY be punished for being with your soulmate? How? Easily. He, no matter how perfect, is not yours. And while you may feed yourself stories like:

“Maybe I give him what his woman can’t.”
“We just have bad timing. We’re SUPPOSED to be together.”
“His woman cheats on him; he deserves better.”

When it’s all said and done …. she is his woman and you are not.  

But there really is no need to cry over spilled milk. Get the mop and clean it up. Let it dry. Start over. You CAN find someone as perfect as your unattainable man. Someone that is ALWAYS available to you. Not just between the hours of midnight and 6am, excluding his birthday and holidays. You can have this perfect man all to yourself without going to bed feeling guilty or miserable. You can have your OWN!

And think about the other woman. Probably so in love with her man. Totally oblivious to what he’s doing behind her back. As a WOMAN, how do you feel? You probably already know what it’s like to have your heart broken, would you really be okay with putting another woman through that? And do you really want to be nothing but a jump off? A thrill? A fleeting memory? You’re worth much more than that. You really are.

So let him GO. As hard as it may be. If you truly feel it’s meant to be … I PROMISE it WILL be. But try not to hold your breath in the meantime. Those kinds of stories are reserved for the fairytales. For now, work on harboring good, clean karma, being a better you and allowing the man of your dreams to sweep you off your feet. You deserve it.  

 
Question of the day, the week, the month, the frigging YEAR: Can social networks REALLY ruin a relationship? Can I say HELL NO? No? Ah well. I will and you will deal. :P

Let me just say that there are only two things that can ruin a relationship - YOU or your SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Nothing else. You can waste time attempting to debate with me and say that social networking sites and annoying exes are the cause but let me save you some time. It's all bullshit. NONE of these can solely ruin a relationship. 

If I have a boyfriend and he has a Facebook or Twitter page what am I supposed to do? Tell him to delete it? Should I delete mine? Is that healthy? Nah, bruh. I love Twitter and I'll be damned if I give it up for a relationship. It makes no sense to me. 

What I CAN do is make sure that I am always mindful of the things I post and tweet ensuring that I don't say or do anything to disrespect you or our relationship. I don't care HOW friendly you are, all the "Honey", "Baby", "Sweety" shit when talking to other women will NOT fly with me. But that's just me. I can get real jealous and act all the way out. But that brings me to another point. You have to KNOW your s/o. Are they the flirty type? Are they just naturally friendly? See, you don't wanna change anybody because the traits you wanna change are probably what drew you to them in the first place. So before you look at him/her through rose colored glasses, think "Can I be in a committed RELATIONSHIP with someone that is so flirty?'. Be honest with yourself. If the answer is no, then don't push the issue. If the other person feels as if it's something they can EASILY change because they really wanna be with you, let THEM make that decision. PRIOR.

There are evil women and men out there, though. The ones who ONLY wanna "friend" you up because you're no longer single. These kinds of people upset me. When I was single, you NEVER tweeted me. But the MINUTE I have a boyfriend, you have SO much to say and with so much emphasis?! 
"Hey BOO!" 
"Hey HONEY, I haven't seen you in so long." 
"Hey BABES, when we ga link up man?" 
REALLY? Why? Why now? You are nothing but a friggin' snake in the grass. Tryna stir up problems. But I see you BOO. And I need you to get the hell up outa my peripheral! 

And I need the ones in relationships to keep their eyes open! Don't be fooled. Watch out for those people. Ask questions BEFORE you start accusing and getting upset. TRUST your s/o. If your gut keeps telling you that something ain't right. Something probably isn't. But please ... PLEASE. Ask questions first. 

Another thing though, y'all slick DM'ers. Yeah. Y'all. Sneaky bishes. STAY OUTA COMMITTED PEOPLE DM's with your SHADINESS. If it ain't about business or a party or something like that ... DO NOT send a DM bout "Hey gorgeous, just wanted to say hi." What the fuck for? You couldn't say that on the TL? Why you gata make it look so sneaky? See, I runnin' hot na! DM = PRIVATE. Why you sending' homeboy's girl a PRIVATE message? You know her like that eh? Stop putting people in these compromising situations and leave her and her relationship alone! And sweetgirl/boy, if you get a message like that, #cheapus you tell your man/woman what’s going on and save yourself the explanations later. Cuz the longer you keep it from them, the guiltier you look. 

I wanna share a secret with men, though. I don't care how ugly you think you are, the minute you are no longer available, you are bait to a LOT of women. Some women ONLY like unavailable men. I guess it makes them feel powerful (think I Gat Your Man). Is it pathetic, yes. But do you see it happening? 9 times out of 10, you don't. Women are SLICK! They will pretend to be SUPER nice and act REAL innocent knowing EXACTLY what they’re really after. Meanwhile, your girl catches on and when she asks you, what do you say? "Oh no baby, don't be so insecure. She's just being friendly." No boy. NO. That homewrecker is planting her "friendship seeds" to uproot your happy home. If  you didn't know her prior and if she is trying too hard to be TOO friendly, she probably wants the peen. Run. (If you want your relationship, that is).

One quick thing to the ex: You are the EX. Know your damn role. Don’t be tweeting him ‘bout, “Hey boo, how you doin’. I MISS YOU” What the HELL?! I WISHHHH a muthaeffer would. I would POLITELY tweet back: “K”. And you know EXACTLY what that means. And this whole “Ex turned bestie” No. Just no.  

And to the CHEATERS on this here Twitter. Just because your significant other isn’t on Twitter does NOT mean that they won’t see or hear about the your ratchet-ness. Eyes are EVERYWHERE. Remember that. And I don’t care HOW much you delete DM’s, some people have theirs linked to their Gmail. Those sweet nothings you typed last night? Yeah. They may not be in YOUR DM column, but they’re surely in her email account. Forever. So think twice eh!

Last thing. Don't provoke your man/woman. DON'T DO IT. I don't care HOW mad you are at each other, doing things out of spite will NOT make the situation better. Just because we had an argument last night does NOT mean that you should go tweet up ALL the girls I was always suspicious of. To do what?! INFURIATE me? M’kay. Keep doing it and watch what I’ll do. Be MATURE and talk our problems out. SANS Twitter rants. (I still need help on this one cuz I just mash my ENTIRE corn).

But yeah at the end of the day, NOBODY other than the two people involved can ruin a relationship. NOBODY. A relationship is WORK. And a lot of it. That’s why we have sex. To alleviate some of that stress! :P

But what do I know? I’m just an old single hag. :(

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There is nothing as perfect as a loving, healthy, happy relationship. I love to see happy couples ... I really do. Gives me hope that one day some man is gonna be brave enough to spend the rest of his life with me. 

I believe in giving your all in love, because otherwise, what's the point? If all else fails, at least you can say you had done your best. I guess I'm a helpless romantic. #AndThatsOkay

With that said, I'm going to say there is a thin line between being in love and idolizing your significant other. It's fine to SING, "I don't know when I'm gon' die, but I hope that I'm gon' die by you" ... but in real life? No, boo. At the end of the day, people WILL fail you, they WILL disappoint you, they WILL lie to you. Even your perfect boyfriend. The sooner you accept that, the easier the let down will be. 

I'm not here to rain on anybody's parade; if you trust your girlfriend completely, then good. I just hope she's earned it. And it's okay to "know" your boyfriend won't ever step out on your relationship because he's faithful, once he's proven that. 

I saw a tweet the other day, "I love my boyfriend so much, he is my everything. My all. My being." Yeah eh? I was kinda hoping it was the beginning of a poem, but it wasn't. She ACTUALLY feels this way and she is intent on marrying him. That's cute, right? Nope. Not even. Know why? Cuz her beloved is stepping out ALL OVER TOWN. Yeah. He's not being faithful. And poor thing. She doesn't even know. But so many other people do. 

Now you're probably thinking, "Well why doesn't someone tell her?" Well, she's one of those chicks that thinks EVERYONE is out to sabotage her relationship. Yeah. She has "haters". K. And he's been known to tell his side chicks, "Don't worry about her. She'n goin' nowhere. She'll never believe I'm cheating.." OOP!

Well, while she makes a complete fool of herself, I'll sit under some palm fronds on the beach and enjoy a martini. Cuz the view of the epic show that's gonna go down after she find out that he's cheating on her is gonna be real nice from here. 

And what's even worse is she's the ONLY one giving out all this PDA (Public Display of Attention). I mean, really?! Chall, not Macarra. I have too much pride. Let me MISS and put up a mushy status and you don't (properly) comment or follow suit. Never. Again. I'm embarrassed when I send you a mushy text/BBM/WhatsApp and you don't respond the same way. So imagine how I'd feel after doing it in public. Honey child, I love myself too much to do that. 

And that's what I need EVERYONE to do. After God, love YOURSELF first and foremost. Do NOT put your ALL into one person. It can't ever end well. The Bible even says so, "The arms of flesh will fail you ... " and the Bible doesn't lie. So, yeah. You can love him, but you MUST chill. I don't wanna see you on the airport road counting poles like the chick in that story from Perspectives from Inner Windows. (LMAO Y'all remember that book?!) 

Yeah, that's it. Happy Friday doe!

 
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"Do you pay for sex?" Most guys would automatically smirk and say something cocky like, "What the hell? All this p***y in the world and I'm gonna pay for sex? Hell no." But I'm here to step on a few toes and say, "YES. YOU. ARE."

Most sensible men would agree with me because they know where I'm coming from. Do you honestly think a woman is going to take you seriously when you don't wanna spend a DOLLAR on her? Really? No boo boo. 

You meet a girl. Her body is tight, her 'swag' is on point and she just looks like she could be a lot of fun. So what do you do? You try your hand. If you're in a lounge or club, the first thing you do is offer to buy her a drink. ($6 - $10). If she's interested you guys chat for a bit and if she's a quick drinker, you offer to buy another drink. (Another $6 - $10). You exchange contacts. You call/text/BBM/WhatsApp offering to take her out. You're trying to impress her so of course you get a haircut ($10 - $15), put gas in your car (anywhere between $20 - $50 cuz you know you wanna show off and have your A/C on blast) and then you take her out. You spend on average over $100 on the first date. All for a church hug at the end of the night. This is how an average "date" goes. 

Now nobody is saying you have to take her to a lavish restaurant every night, but when you really think about it, you do spend quite a few dollars courting a woman. And the older and more experienced she is, the harder you try to impress. Tell me I lie! (crickets)   

Now, why are you doing all of this? Don't tell me it's because you want her to be the mother of your children. You's nothin' but a liar. Initially, the only thing you really want is some sex. Yeah I said it. You want the cooch. And you are willing to court her for as long as you can to get it. 

Now I'm guessing the men would ask me, "So if a man is paying for sex, does that make the woman a prostitute?" And my response would be, "Yes. She is a glorified, cleaned up prostitute." Mad? Okay. That's fine. But how stupid will you feel, sleeping with a man that does ABSOLUTELY nothing for you. No lunch. No flowers. No dates. So, you can sit there on your high horse and say  that you're not a prostitute and would rather a man that loves you and values you over a man that spends money on you. Yeah, okay. 

I gave THAT dream up in HIGH SCHOOL: "Oh, I don't care if he has money, once he loves me that's all that matters." Then the real life kicked me square in the ass. Honey child, I need to feel special and appreciated. Sex alone DOES not do that. Text messages alone DO NOT do that. Phone calls alone DO NOT do that. I need to know that I mean something to you, I need you to SHOW me that. And while sex, phone calls and text messages are nice, they are simply not enough. You don't have to empty your bank account but a friggin' Pandora charm? $30? Is that REALLY gonna hurt you? Lunch? $15 max? Will it KILL you to offer to take me to dinner? Yeah? Well then it would KILL me to spend time with you, MUCH LESS sleep with you.

And this doesn't really go for those in relationships. This is for those in the early dating/getting-to-know-you stages. But I WILL say to those in relationships, just because you have him/her doesn't mean you should fall off and not go out on dates, either! You worked hard to get 'em ... work even harder to keep 'em.   

At the end of the day honey, money talks. And actions speak louder than words. So put your money to good use. 

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"I can change him."
"He's just never had a good woman."
"She's not loose, just unaccustomed to what a real man is like."

All of these are excuses we make up. All of these are lies we tell ourselves. Lies that we think will appease our hearts which already know the truth. YOU NEED TO LET GO. 

We feel like if we tell ourselves these things long enough, we'll believe it and be okay. But we won't. We're only tearing further and further into a wound that will never, ever heal. 

Why waste time trying to CHANGE someone when the person that needs absolutely no changing is out there waiting for you? Someone who is willing to accept you, inclusive of flaws and add joy to your life? Note I said ADD and not BRING. That's where we make our mistakes. Waiting for someone to BRING something to the table. If you aren't happy with yourself, how do you expect someone else who knows almost nothing about you to make you happy? 

Stop making excuses for each other. Stop making it easier for the other person to trample over your heart and continue to confuse with their roller coaster of emotions. Stop making yourself look like an easy lay or an easy pay. Yeah. Either you're laying on your back or laying out some money on the table. Stop allowing yourself to be used and sucked dry of everything: mentally, physically, emotionally and financially. What kind of condition do you expect to be in when "The One" finds you?

Why take that burden on to someone else? Why make someone else suffer for someone else's mistake? Don't allow yourself to become bitter. If this person can't see your worth; move on. Stop wasting time. Don't make yourself hard to love, make yourself hard to live without. 

Know your worth and never forget it. 

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Hey guys!

Sooooo last night I had a mini sermon on Twitter. (Follow me www.twitter.com/MacarraF)

I saw a few tweets and I just started. Women sort of idolizing men ... men that do so very little to and for them. And when I say "for them" I do not mean in terms of monetary investments. I'm talking spiritual, emotional and mental investments. Tangible "things" are secondary. 

I'll give you a few ways we go wrong and wind up screwing ourselves out of what could potentially be a decent relationship.

Giving Your Boyfriend "Husband Privileges" 
Contrary to our belief, doing this will NOT make him marry you. You're doing too much .. too soon. Three months in and you're cooking every day, ironing his clothes, taking him lunch, letting him use your car. You're over reaching. And you're trying too hard. Trying too hard to prove your worth and make him see that you're a "good woman". I won't lie, I'm guilty of this but we're only setting ourselves up for failure. We look like a donkey and what do people do to donkeys? Okay. Nobody just GETS this type of treatment, they must EARN it. 

We Wanna Be TOO Independent
Before you "independents" chew my head off, hear me out. The whole "gold digger" term was created to manipulate women. Back in the day, a woman would never be seen reaching into her purse to pay for a dinner when a man is courting her. It just didn't happen. Then came the era of the "Independent Woman". The woman who could do everything for herself. She didn't need a man for anything other than sex. Now with the independent woman phase in full effect, the woman who is accustomed to being courted is a gold digger. Now no woman wants to be that so she becomes independent. Offering to pay for most dinners. Sending him flowers. Picking HIM up. That's where we went wrong. The gender role switch. The man is now pampered and the woman is the breadwinner.You try to prove that you're a woman who isn't in it for the money. In the process, forgetting what should really be happening. Men were MADE to pursue. The Good Book says so, "A MAN that FINDETH a wife..." NOT "A woman that PROVETH herself to be a wife." Now while there is NOTHING wrong with paying for some dinners when you are DATING EXCLUSIVELY, take it easy and let HIM be the MAN. 

We RUN OUT!
Child PLEASE, I have met MANY women that have gone ABOVE AND BEYOND only to lose their man to the woman who did far less. Not necessarily because she didn't like the man as much but simply because she knew her worth. She KNEW she was a good woman and didn't bother to waste time and energy trying to prove that. She was confident enough in herself to know that if this man was worth anything, he would just KNOW. And she wins. For every damn time. She's a little mysterious and incredibly interesting. She makes him WANT to know more. We should ALL take a page out of her book. 

We Make Excuses For Him
We've heard this OVER and OVER. But when will we GET it?! IF A MAN WANTS YOU - NOTHING WILL KEEP HIM AWAY. N-O-T-H-I-N-G! Please believe that. A man does NOT give up on something he wants ... (just look at Lebron, still fighting for that ring LMAO #petty). But seriously, you can play as hard to get as you want, if a man wants you he knows JUST what to do. And if he doesn't he's gonna ask a female friend, an aunt, a cousin, his mother what he should do to get you. Don't believe that? Then you need to up the amp on your confidence level. BELIEVE you are worth ALL the work. BECAUSE YOU ARE!

Just some random thoughts I had last night. Hope this made sense to at least ONE person. 

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My last relationship-based blog was entitled “The Top 5 Men Women Should NEVER Fall For” … I got rave reviews and surprisingly, more from the men than the women. They agreed and found themselves guilty of said crimes and promised to do better. Unh huh … Yeah .. We’ll see!

Well anyone that knows me, knows that I’m far from biased and I am no man-basher. Now while I’m talking to the women I NEED the men to read and notice the signs. So this blog is dedicated to my men … looking for a relationship, companionship and love. There are some women that should come with red flags … placed intricately above the start of their lacefront.

The Kept Woman
This is gonna be really short. Sweetheart, I’m gonna need you to get up off your ass and get a damn job. Why do you feel like it is the duty of this man to pay for your hair and nails? Huh? Are you serious? No cupcake. I went to McDonald’s yesterday, they had a sign on the door. Know what that sign said? “Now Hiring”. Bye.

Miss Lady-In-The-Streets … And BED?!
Ha hiiiiiiiiiiye! You name the LAST ass. This is the QUICKEST way to lose a man. Let your sex life be … DULL. All you know how to do is lay on your back? Oh. You don’t believe in oral sex? Oh. Who the HELL has sex outside of their bedrooms? Tru. You are WHACK. I’m sorry, doll. But while he does need a LADY to walk beside him in public, when nobody’s around … he needs you to tire his ass out!
But look at you, with your dual degree, your neat little pencil skirt and cardigan, so sweet and innocent. And BORING! If you squirmed a little reading this, I need you to purchase a few Zane novels. I promise your (sex) life will never be the same.

Ms. My-Friends-Know-Best
Me and Sammy have been dating for about 2 months. Everything is GREAT! I gush to my friends about how awesome he is … until I find a pair of earrings in his car. He claims that they’re his grandma’s. He had taken her to the clinic a few days ago and she must have took them out. This can be the truth. I’ve been with him and his grandma on several clinic visits. But I’m not sure. So what do I do? ASK MY FRIENDS! DUHHHH!!
PAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE! Wha gone down? Hast thou forgotten the cardinal rule?! “Allow thy friends to know only so much about thy relationship”. Well honey child, after my friends poison my mind and feed into my insecurities you can rest assured that this poor boy will be dumped. And over what? Pure speculation. I may have just missed out on the man that is PERFECT for me … listening to my (single) friends.
And the thing is, when I decide to forgive him, it’s now uncomfortable when my man and my friends are in the same room. They throw nasty looks his way and make him feel some kinda way. Then I’m stuck in the middle, trying to defend both parties.
Why do your friends need to know every intricate detail about your relationship? Good or bad. You stay right there telling her how he turns you out night after night … eventually she’s gonna get curious (and drunk) and wanna find out for herself. Leave your private business – PRIVATE!

Ms. Clingy
Women need love. They need adoration and verbal praise. Sorry guys. If you have a problem saying, “Baby, I think you look absolutely stunning tonight” you’re gonna lose time and time again. Women LOVE attention. I don’t care who says what. When the object of our affection showers us with his time and kind words, chall please … we are putty in your hands. Now … some women do NOT know what it means to chill the fuck out and let the man breathe. Ine ga lie, I’m an attention hog but I’m also bipolar. This means that some days I won’t want you around me. I’ll probably call once to see if you’re alive and after that, I’m good. But SOME women … my GOD! Call the BOUNCE POLICE! Uncling this chick – STAT! Let the man BREATHE! Gee … do you think he needs to see your face every free second he has? You seem to think he doesn’t have friends, family or a damn LIFE! Give the man a chance to MISS you for crying out loud. If you feel like this is happening to you I suggest you find a hobby and QUICKLY. Join a gym, a book club, learn to crochet … do something other than make this man life HELL!

Ms. Titanium
Okay Little Miss Self Sufficient. I see you. With your hard exterior. You don’t need anybody and woe to the man that tries to be a man FOR you. For what? Girl YOU GAT THIS! #StopRightThere
Now I’m not gonna lie, I’ve found myself guilty of this more than a few times. Trying so hard to be tough. Yeah. It’s my #DefenseMagnesium (LMFAO! My Twitter friends will get that one).  Lol, no but seriously, it really was my defense mechanism. Be tough and if he wants you bad enough he’ll fight for you? Right. Only for so long, love lump. And after that, he is gone. Do you know how many good guys you may have pushed away trying TOO hard?
Let the man … be the MAN. (And I am still learning this). Trust him enough to let him lead. Be vulnerable. Shit, pretend like you can’t do something so that he feels like he’s really needed. I understand you wanna be independent, but don’t mind Beyonce with her Independent Woman ish, she’s bipolar. Cuz right before she was swooning talkin' shit bout “Suga Mama” she  was runnin hot in “Bills, Bills, Bills”. Stop trying so hard to impress society (and your friends) by being the person they want you to be. Be the woman your man needs you to be! Ch … I felt like I was preachin to muhseff jus na!

Ms. My-Ex-My-Ex-My-Ex
"Give. Me. A. Mother. Facking. BREAK! Nobody CARES about your ex  ... except YOU!" I know thas all you guys say in your head when this chick starts talking about her ex. It is SO annoying!
You do NOT need to hear about the shit her ex did. It’s not YOUR fault that her ex slept with her best friend. And to have to bring this shit up every friggin time you guys have an argument? Man, LOOK … I’m going to need your little girlfriend to see a therapist ASAP. Matter of fact, put this on a sticky and post it on her mirror: “Do NOT attempt to become romantically involved with ANYONE until you’ve dealt with your past issues!”
And I bet she plays the “Pity Card” too, huh? What’s the Pity Card? Okay, let’s say you and your woman have this argument and she feels kinda cornered ... she pulls the card. *cue tears* “This is exactly what my ex did! I can’t believe you’re doing it, too. I thought you loved me.”
Chall, if I was a man and my woman said that I would walk right out and leave her there looking like a fool. 
Women please just grow the hell up and get the FRIG over your ex and that INCLUDES your baby daddy. The ONLY thing he should bring into your relationship is pampers and formula for your kid. Otherwise, he needs to GET TO STEPPIN’. Thanks girl!

Little Ms. Friendly
Yeah, I call her friendly cuz she’s TIGHT with everybody in the ‘hood. Your homeboys included. This girl’s been around the block more than her share of times and now she’s ready to settle. Listen to me hombre. Old habits die HARD. Sorry, but if this chick ain’t been dipped in Jesus’ blood and washed in the water from the Red Sea, chances are she ain’t changin’. Don’t waste your time. You can VERY RARELY change the hoe to the housewife … Count your losses and keep it movin’. I know she rides you like NONE other and she has tricks for every day of the year but if you’re looking for someone to seriously settle down with, she is NOT the one. So save your money and your mother’s heart and try to find a good girl … with the freaky tendencies. Tenks baby!

So, those are my 7. YES I KNOW! There are 35 more but I'm not about to sit here and write all of em out! Thanks for the comments in advance! :D

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So I've dated a number of men. Not slept with na ... I know how y'all think! But yeah, I've dated or "talked" to a number of personalities. Did I like all of them? Hell to the no. But did ALL of them teach me something valuable? Yes Lord! I've learned how to accept the "Maybe He's Just Not That Into Me" mentality and it has saved me a shitload of time and headaches. I mean why waste time trying to convince YOU AND HIM that y'all are "soulmates". Chall, save your heart and blood pressure - Forget him and keep it movin'. And DO NOT automatically think that everything about you is perfect and maybe he just can't see what a great woman you are.  

Now, that's another blog but back to my experiences and the experiences of other women. After much drunken and little sober discussion, me and some of my girlfriends have attempted to dissect and class the weirdest of men. Now these are my top 5 men women need to RUN AWAY FROM! I mean like Bolt ... Usain! Reading this, I'm POSITIVE each one of you can relate to at LEAST THREE of these categories. 

#1
The Faithful Cheater

This man has a girlfriend, fiancée or wife. BUT they aren't "happy". She doesn't make him feel like you do. He made a mistake. If he could go back in time, it would be you he was with. If only, he'd met you first, y'all would be perfect together. Right? 
His words are like butter and he has the perfect sex to match. Flowers for no reason, surprise candlelit dinners at some secret hideaway. You meet his friends; and you're introduced as "wifey". He CANNOT be happy at home if he's doing all of this right? RIGHT?! HE HAS TO BE IN LOVE WITH YOU!
Umm. NO. The Faithful Cheater is usually just a self absorbed narcissist who gets off on constant attention and affection received from women. If he can't be with his girlfriend, fiancée or wife to stroke his ego, he's gonna need a backup - He's gonna need YOU.He is the faithful cheater because he is NOT going to leave his significant other for you. If he's with you and doesn't have to uproot his "healthy" relationship, why should he?
Do NOT be his spare tire that sits in the back trunk, in the heat, damn near melting and only called upon in times of stress.  If he wanted to be with you ... HE WOULD BE WITH YOU! I can NOT SHOUT this enough: IF A MAN WANTS YOU -- NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING CAN KEEP HIM AWAY OKAY?! NOTHING! Not even his mama ... BELIEVE ME!

#2 
Mr. Way Too MuhFukn Sensitive

We all want a man that's slightly in touch with his feminine side. Operative word: SLIGHTLY! I don't mind you getting teary-eyed when watching What's Love Got To Do With It, but why the FRIG are you crying when we pass a dead dog on Carmichael Road. Are you SERIOUSLY stopping to move it to the side? All the while wiping snot from your nose? NO SAH! Please let me out this car. I'll take the 16A to work. Thanks!
Call me what you want, but I do NOT need a man to be crying WITH me - EVERY TIME I CRY. WTF? I might as well call up one of my girlfriends. I need you to be a MAN. Hold me TIGHT, let me lay on your chest and cry and have you reassure me that everything's gonna be okay. I don't need to be laying on your chest and feeling your hot tears and warm snot dripping on my forehead. No ma'am! (B. Scott voice)
Now Mr. Sensitive also has another problem - he falls in love. RIGHT AWAY. Want me to run far away from you? Tell me some bullshit like you love me after our first date. Now I know I'm amazing and it's impossible to resist my charm, but keep that shit to yoself son! Ugh.
And then to try to CONVINCE me that I love you? Listen to me. I'm gonna cut your ass. Please stop it. I do NOT love you. And why the hell would you want to FORCE me into SAYING I love you?! Did your mommy not hug you as a child? Did your brothers and sisters beat you up? Do you like boys?! I MUST KNOW.
Yeah, this one girls? RUN AWAY EH! He may be borderline psychotic and may wind up stalking you. RUN! 

#3
Hot and Cold

I can only chuckle. This one thinks he's slick. "I'll string her along. Keep her hot today then tomorrow be completely distant. Keep her close but never close enough. She'll stick around for sure." Yeah eh?
We've probably all had a guy like this. We can't ever figure out what his next move is gonna be. Never knowing if he's gonna call or text or BBM or IM back. Always on the edge of your seat when you call him cuz you never know how he's gonna react. Will he be sweet and receptive or bitchy and monotonous? Smt. This act gets old - FAST. But only to WOMEN. GIRLS think this shit is cute. They say dumb shit like, "Omg, he's so into me he doesn't know how to control himself when he's around me" or "His feelings for me are so strong, it's confusing him" ... WHAT THE HELL?! Girl listen to me, why are you wasting time trying to psycho-analyze this goon? If he isn't man enough to acknowledge his feelings for you, I'm gonna need you to move it RIGHT along. Don't make sense waiting for this man to come to his senses and love you - if he EVER does. One more time, RUN. Run like someone's showing you Precious' body fat in a crystal ball. RUUUUNNNN!!

#4
My Ex Still Loves Me!

"Umm, who are you texting?"
"Oh just my ex"
"What the frig? WHY?"
"She's still in love with me. I don't love her, though. WE JUST GOOD FRIENDS."
LMFAOOOO! Oh GHAD! How many times have I used this line and HEARD this line? Girlfriend, wake up. Leave this goon alone. Why the hell is he holding on to his ex that is "still in love with him"? I don't give a mudaFRIG about their relationship and how close they were and how he doesn't want to hurt her. At the end of the day, whose feelings are more important - Yours or hers? Please learn to be selfish at the RIGHT times. You do NOT share a man okay. You just DO NOT. 
If he is a MAN, he would tell her straight up "Listen I've moved on. I know you still have feelings for me but I'm gonna need you to not call or text. I do however, hope you find a good man that can truly appreciate you for the woman that you are. Wish you all the best." And deuces to that negro. When me and my last bf broke up, I had NO intentions of stringing him along or being strung along. Matter of fact, I suggested we NOT be friends, ESPECIALLY cuz there was still some spark there. What the flick? For WHAT? To be in limbo, back and forth with this nigga, making absolutely NO progress in LIFE? No thanks. Call me a pessimist if you want, I prefer to be called a realist. Let me get the hell over you and then forget you nigga. We can be friends one day. When I find the man of my dreams and am married. Otherwise, TOODLES! 
So listen to me, the man whose ex still loves him? She still loves him because he's giving her REASON to. He still calls to check in, sends her lunch, does favors for her ... Probably still givin' her sex, too. Please. You're better than that. You deserve to have him - TO YOURSELF. 

#5
Mr. Almost

Damn. He was ALMOST perfect, man. He could ALMOST be my boyfriend dred. 
Smt. Whatever. Almost doesn't goddamn count. 
He was doing everything right though. But he ALWAYS had an "almost" excuse. These are the top 3:
- I'm so busy with work and everything. I just don't have time for a relationship.
- I just got out of a long term relationship and I don't wanna get hurt again.
- I need more time, can you give me more time please?
What the FAAAAAAAACK ever! Are you serious with this bullshit? But ya know the sad part? We FALL for this shit! Frig, these words coupled with a few teary eyes and pitiful hand gestures and we feel guilty for even suggesting taking the relationship to another level. 
No sweetheart, if he wasn't interested in a relationship he wouldn't be pursuing you, even if it is half assed. He either really is confused or just wants some ass. And I am more inclined to believe it is the latter. So I'm gonna need you to move on and forget Mr. Almost. He is ALMOST not worth any of your time ... and/or ass. 

I hope this Blog helps someone today. It took me a while to gather my thoughts, but I am definitely the wiser. And YES there are other types of men but these are the most prevalent types I've come across. 
With that said, don't let this hamper your dating escapades. Date date and date. Get to know people. Make friends and connections. If it doesn't work out, then move along. Don't waste time crying over spilled milk. You may be lactose intolerant, anyway! 

xoxo,
La Chienne La Plus Douce 


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What the hell is a BROMANCE?! Niggas all huddled together in the corner. Lookin' round. Mean muggin. WITH NO WOMAN! Smh. 

Imma need y'all fellas to stop y'all foolishness. I know us ladies have the ocassional "Ladies Night" so I don't mind if you guys have your time, too. Sunday and Monday Night football. Basketball games. We get it. But there comes a time when you MUST draw the freakin' line!!!

I am so damn disappointed in some of you men. Like freal. How the HELL do you put off a date with a WOMAN to spend time with your BOYS?! I mean I don't get it. If you have a sensible woman, she will understand that  you both need time apart to actually miss each other. Bla bla bla.Yeah that's all fine and dandy. But how do you leave your girl at a party to go with your BOYS?! ALL THE TIME!!!!! EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME. You are CLEARLY gay. CLEARLY! Like how does this even make sense.

THEN you have the AUDACITY (aka BALLS) to text her MUCH later that night talkin' bout "Hey baby, can I see you later?" PRESS PAUSE! STOP! EJECT THE DAMN DVD! You ain't friggin SERIOUS!

Ma BOY, if I was a nigga and I came to the club with my boys and the woman I'm talkin to, datin', sexin', or WHATEVER tells me we leavin' together .... BUDDY ... WE LEAVIN' TOGETHER! What the HELL?!

And to the friends that give this dude crap for wanting to go home with his tings, you my dear, are a homosexual. Or lonely. Cuz you goin' home to a cold bed. Why do you want your boy around you ALL THE TIME?! WHY?! Imma need YOU, Mr. Loser, to get yourself a woman. (Real or inflatable). 

You know how many times I've seen this BS for the YEAR?! I mean. Perfectly beautiful women, HORNY and gata play SECOND to the man's BOYS?! Smt. Then nigga gonna wonder why she ain't on his run after bout bout 3, 4 weeks. Do you need a friggin' Psychic to tell you that this chick is CLEARLY not into BROMANCES?! 

I need you guys to sit back and think about this LOGICALLY. Since according to studies, men are LOGICAL. How do you put PENIS over VAGINA?! HOW?! Imma need y'all to remember that pussy holds all the power. Believe it or not. To wanna be around your boys more than your woman shows me three things:
1. You're an immature piece of crap
2. You are NOT ready to be with a woman
3. You jus like man.

Don't agree? THINK ABOUT IT THEN. Smt. Is the club REALLY more important than your girl? You gonna probably spend bout 40 dollars buyin' drinks for you and the girl you tryna talk to in the club ... HOPING that she takes you home. But if she doesn't that's your money gone DOWN THE DRAIN! When you could have spent one 20 dollars, ordered some takeout, take it to your girl's house, watch one movie and do the nasty. Now tell me, which one of those scenarios makes the most sense? Smt. I gata teach y'all niggas EVERYTHING dred! FLICK!

So if you are guilty of this, you still have time to save yourself. New Years Eve is tomorrow. Plan to spend that night with your love interest NOT with your boys. I'm sure you'll gain some cool points. If you choose not to, and think I'm just running on with a bunch of garbage, let's see who's gonna be getting any action on that night. I know I'll definitely be SKR8! LMAO ... Toodles. 

xoxo,
La Chienne La Plus Douce.

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LMAO! I’m already laughinnnnnn! OMG. Okay, so this is like the AGE OLD question: “Does Size Really Matter?” 

I personally think that it does AND it doesn’t. It kinda depends on the guy … Andddd the woman. I SO hate to hear women say this, “Girl don’t mess with him, his dick is SOOO small. I didn’t feel ANYTHING.” … Then you go and fucks with it and come to find out, it ain’t all that small! Like it ain’t no porno dick but you could definitely make it work; especially if you try some new positions instead of the old boring missionary. That chick may just be (genetically) wide-set. Which brings me to my next point. Some women are just genetically tighter than others. It doesn’t matter if “Girl A” had a child and has sex with 3 different men a week, if her shit is tight, IT’S TIGHT. Then the “Girl B” may have slept with only 2 men in her life and STILL not have the grip Girl A has. *kanye shrug* It is what it is! 

Now back to my topic: Size! Haaaa! Now men, y'all know I LOVE y'all but Imma need y'all to stop LYING! You HAVE to know if your shit's small or not. Don't give me NO other stories!! ALL y'all watch porn and I KNOW y'all be looking down like, "Hmmmm, mine isn't THAT big. SHIT!!! Is my dick small? YES IT IS! FACKKK!" But you wanna come to me bout "Macarra I will rock your world. Leave it lookin' like a Category Five Hurricane just passed through." Gettin' me ALLLLL excited like MUDDOES!! I CAN'T WAIT. Then when Judgment Day comes around, all I'm left with is a TROPICAL DEPRESSION!! 'Bout Category Five. GTFOH!! 

If you know you have a small dick, that's okay. We need guys like y'all who ain't gon' stretch us out before we get married. (Sounds stink hey? But it's TRUE!) Who wants to have sex with a bunch of big-dick men and get married to the man of your dreams with an average dick? You ain't gon' feel NOTHIN! LMAO ... Okay, okay, I stop. But yeah, dude, if you know your shit's small why LIE?! You DO realize that at SOME point we're gonna find out right? When we bring sex up, you should leave it as a big mystery; make us want you even more. That way if the sex is average, we can't get mad cuz you never promised anything. Smart right? I know ... I have my moments of brilliance. :P 

Now advice to men of ALL sizes: FOREPLAY IS THE ORDER OF THE DAY!! I'm not gonna lie, it's very rare that a woman will orgasm or cum via missionary penetration. With that said ... GET ON YOUR KNEES! YEAHHHHHH! :) Kiss her neck, suck (or nibble on) her breasts, use your tongue to make circles around her belly button, kiss her thighs ... and then BOOM! POW! Deal with the wibe. yes, most women like to receive oral. So go for GOLD buddy. Use your MOUTH, not just your tongue. Lemme stop before y'all can't concentrate to work. But seriously, don't just depend on your dick, I don't care WHAT size it is. Now just because you have a big dick doesn't mean you can just slam it and run either cuz y'all are the ones that require us doing the most work. We gata get on top simply because we don't want you to pull a Kanye (bruisin' our esophagus!) So y'all STILL need to FULLY MASTER the art of foreplay. THANKS! 

Oh and to SQUASH another MYTH!! That whole "big hands, big feet" thing?! PURE BS! 

Happy Thanksgiving ... And remember guys ... Women like a man that can FULLY enjoy an ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET. LMAO! 

xoxo 
La Chienne La Plus Douce