So I've dated a number of men. Not slept with na ... I know how y'all think! But yeah, I've dated or "talked" to a number of personalities. Did I like all of them? Hell to the no. But did ALL of them teach me something valuable? Yes Lord! I've learned how to accept the "Maybe He's Just Not That Into Me" mentality and it has saved me a shitload of time and headaches. I mean why waste time trying to convince YOU AND HIM that y'all are "soulmates". Chall, save your heart and blood pressure - Forget him and keep it movin'. And DO NOT automatically think that everything about you is perfect and maybe he just can't see what a great woman you are.  

Now, that's another blog but back to my experiences and the experiences of other women. After much drunken and little sober discussion, me and some of my girlfriends have attempted to dissect and class the weirdest of men. Now these are my top 5 men women need to RUN AWAY FROM! I mean like Bolt ... Usain! Reading this, I'm POSITIVE each one of you can relate to at LEAST THREE of these categories. 

The Faithful Cheater

This man has a girlfriend, fiancée or wife. BUT they aren't "happy". She doesn't make him feel like you do. He made a mistake. If he could go back in time, it would be you he was with. If only, he'd met you first, y'all would be perfect together. Right? 
His words are like butter and he has the perfect sex to match. Flowers for no reason, surprise candlelit dinners at some secret hideaway. You meet his friends; and you're introduced as "wifey". He CANNOT be happy at home if he's doing all of this right? RIGHT?! HE HAS TO BE IN LOVE WITH YOU!
Umm. NO. The Faithful Cheater is usually just a self absorbed narcissist who gets off on constant attention and affection received from women. If he can't be with his girlfriend, fiancée or wife to stroke his ego, he's gonna need a backup - He's gonna need YOU.He is the faithful cheater because he is NOT going to leave his significant other for you. If he's with you and doesn't have to uproot his "healthy" relationship, why should he?
Do NOT be his spare tire that sits in the back trunk, in the heat, damn near melting and only called upon in times of stress.  If he wanted to be with you ... HE WOULD BE WITH YOU! I can NOT SHOUT this enough: IF A MAN WANTS YOU -- NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING CAN KEEP HIM AWAY OKAY?! NOTHING! Not even his mama ... BELIEVE ME!

Mr. Way Too MuhFukn Sensitive

We all want a man that's slightly in touch with his feminine side. Operative word: SLIGHTLY! I don't mind you getting teary-eyed when watching What's Love Got To Do With It, but why the FRIG are you crying when we pass a dead dog on Carmichael Road. Are you SERIOUSLY stopping to move it to the side? All the while wiping snot from your nose? NO SAH! Please let me out this car. I'll take the 16A to work. Thanks!
Call me what you want, but I do NOT need a man to be crying WITH me - EVERY TIME I CRY. WTF? I might as well call up one of my girlfriends. I need you to be a MAN. Hold me TIGHT, let me lay on your chest and cry and have you reassure me that everything's gonna be okay. I don't need to be laying on your chest and feeling your hot tears and warm snot dripping on my forehead. No ma'am! (B. Scott voice)
Now Mr. Sensitive also has another problem - he falls in love. RIGHT AWAY. Want me to run far away from you? Tell me some bullshit like you love me after our first date. Now I know I'm amazing and it's impossible to resist my charm, but keep that shit to yoself son! Ugh.
And then to try to CONVINCE me that I love you? Listen to me. I'm gonna cut your ass. Please stop it. I do NOT love you. And why the hell would you want to FORCE me into SAYING I love you?! Did your mommy not hug you as a child? Did your brothers and sisters beat you up? Do you like boys?! I MUST KNOW.
Yeah, this one girls? RUN AWAY EH! He may be borderline psychotic and may wind up stalking you. RUN! 

Hot and Cold

I can only chuckle. This one thinks he's slick. "I'll string her along. Keep her hot today then tomorrow be completely distant. Keep her close but never close enough. She'll stick around for sure." Yeah eh?
We've probably all had a guy like this. We can't ever figure out what his next move is gonna be. Never knowing if he's gonna call or text or BBM or IM back. Always on the edge of your seat when you call him cuz you never know how he's gonna react. Will he be sweet and receptive or bitchy and monotonous? Smt. This act gets old - FAST. But only to WOMEN. GIRLS think this shit is cute. They say dumb shit like, "Omg, he's so into me he doesn't know how to control himself when he's around me" or "His feelings for me are so strong, it's confusing him" ... WHAT THE HELL?! Girl listen to me, why are you wasting time trying to psycho-analyze this goon? If he isn't man enough to acknowledge his feelings for you, I'm gonna need you to move it RIGHT along. Don't make sense waiting for this man to come to his senses and love you - if he EVER does. One more time, RUN. Run like someone's showing you Precious' body fat in a crystal ball. RUUUUNNNN!!

My Ex Still Loves Me!

"Umm, who are you texting?"
"Oh just my ex"
"What the frig? WHY?"
"She's still in love with me. I don't love her, though. WE JUST GOOD FRIENDS."
LMFAOOOO! Oh GHAD! How many times have I used this line and HEARD this line? Girlfriend, wake up. Leave this goon alone. Why the hell is he holding on to his ex that is "still in love with him"? I don't give a mudaFRIG about their relationship and how close they were and how he doesn't want to hurt her. At the end of the day, whose feelings are more important - Yours or hers? Please learn to be selfish at the RIGHT times. You do NOT share a man okay. You just DO NOT. 
If he is a MAN, he would tell her straight up "Listen I've moved on. I know you still have feelings for me but I'm gonna need you to not call or text. I do however, hope you find a good man that can truly appreciate you for the woman that you are. Wish you all the best." And deuces to that negro. When me and my last bf broke up, I had NO intentions of stringing him along or being strung along. Matter of fact, I suggested we NOT be friends, ESPECIALLY cuz there was still some spark there. What the flick? For WHAT? To be in limbo, back and forth with this nigga, making absolutely NO progress in LIFE? No thanks. Call me a pessimist if you want, I prefer to be called a realist. Let me get the hell over you and then forget you nigga. We can be friends one day. When I find the man of my dreams and am married. Otherwise, TOODLES! 
So listen to me, the man whose ex still loves him? She still loves him because he's giving her REASON to. He still calls to check in, sends her lunch, does favors for her ... Probably still givin' her sex, too. Please. You're better than that. You deserve to have him - TO YOURSELF. 

Mr. Almost

Damn. He was ALMOST perfect, man. He could ALMOST be my boyfriend dred. 
Smt. Whatever. Almost doesn't goddamn count. 
He was doing everything right though. But he ALWAYS had an "almost" excuse. These are the top 3:
- I'm so busy with work and everything. I just don't have time for a relationship.
- I just got out of a long term relationship and I don't wanna get hurt again.
- I need more time, can you give me more time please?
What the FAAAAAAAACK ever! Are you serious with this bullshit? But ya know the sad part? We FALL for this shit! Frig, these words coupled with a few teary eyes and pitiful hand gestures and we feel guilty for even suggesting taking the relationship to another level. 
No sweetheart, if he wasn't interested in a relationship he wouldn't be pursuing you, even if it is half assed. He either really is confused or just wants some ass. And I am more inclined to believe it is the latter. So I'm gonna need you to move on and forget Mr. Almost. He is ALMOST not worth any of your time ... and/or ass. 

I hope this Blog helps someone today. It took me a while to gather my thoughts, but I am definitely the wiser. And YES there are other types of men but these are the most prevalent types I've come across. 
With that said, don't let this hamper your dating escapades. Date date and date. Get to know people. Make friends and connections. If it doesn't work out, then move along. Don't waste time crying over spilled milk. You may be lactose intolerant, anyway! 

La Chienne La Plus Douce 

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