Women are funny. Critical and envious by nature. Another woman has a new bag? We have to get one just like it or better. New shoes? Maybe we should buy a new pair, too. Nothing wrong with healthy competition. Keeps you on your toes. But it's when you start comparing your self worth do you have a problem. And not until you start eyeing their man do you have an even bigger problem.
Women want the fairytale. They want the good man who'll wine and dine them, sex them senseless and be able to take care of the home (financially). So when another woman has that and we don't, we feel some kind of way. That way is jealous. So we either go out and actively search for a man that can do this or just take hers. Easy, right? He has all the qualities you want and they're not married so he's on the market, right? Right. R.I.G.H.T. So wrong.
You see the outside. Not the inside. You see the rewards. Not the toil. You don't really know him at all. A song just came to my mind, Tanya Stephen's "Tek Him Back". In the song, Tanya "stole" someone's man because she thought he was everything she wanted but quickly found out that she could not deal with him. She thought he was rich, he wasn't. She thought he was stylish, he wasn't. She thought his sex game was on point, it was below subpar. Wanna know why he was flourishing the way she THOUGHT he was? The woman he was with made him appear to be (even if he wasn't) the perfect man. She was probably the one financing him, paying his car note, buying his clothes ... presenting to you this "good man". And because you're none the wiser, you want this "good man". And then you get him ...
Are you willing to do what she did to keep this man? Are you willing to put up with what she did? You can't answer that "Yes" or "No" because you DON'T know. You don't know what she did. You don't know what she put up with. And you don't.know.him. Trust me, I've been there, done that. I always refer to that time of my life as #TheYearOf21. I was a BIIIIIITCH, lmao. Omg. You have a girlfriend? Yeah. I don't care. I want you, so I'm stealing you. And can I TELL you how I had to place that negro on a box with a lovely "Return To Sender" sticker?! I just couldn't deal! He was fine, I thought he was loaded and I thought he was "loaded". Ehh! Wrong. Chal boo, I was over that young man in less than a month. And I totally had a Tanya Stephens moment and send a lovely apology letter to his ex's (currently wife) Facebook inbox. Smh.
So in short, to all you lovers of the phrase "He's fair game until he's married", remember that. If he wants to be with you, he'll come. You can't REALLY steal someone's man unless he wanted to go in the first place. So if you feel like this man is the one for you, the one God kept for you, the one you were born to love ... be patient. I'm sure your time will come. If not, move on. Or you can wait around for a wedding invite and make your declaration of love there! ^_^
So me and my nosy, fast self responded to a tweet this morning. The topic? Being submissive. Apparently, it's a sign of weakness and nobody really sees the point or what it really means. I'd like to take a few minutes and share my thoughts. (Once again, being fast because nobody asked for it, lol).
I grew up in church and was always taught that a wife is to be submissive to her husband. To be completely honest, I always said I couldn't do it. I always envisioned the submissive wife as the woman who had no voice, no opinions, no objections. She was more of a "Yes Woman". I have a big mouth. I talk a lot, I'm objective, opinionated and like to ask "Why?". For a while I had written marriage off as something that would never happen for me. And then I got my first real life (out of high school) boyfriend ...
And I thought he was The One. So I did the "submissive" thing. Friends coming over to watch the game? Well, I must clean up, prepare snacks and stay out of their way. He liked chicken? Well I prepared chicken every possible way. Not a big fan of peas in his rice? Well no peas in the damn rice! Simple, right? No. I was miserable!! Do you know how many times I wanted to say "No"?! But I didn't. Why? I was playing my role as the submissive .... girlfriend. WHAT THE HELL?! That was my first mistake. I was his GIRLFRIEND. NOT his wife. Needless to say, The real Macarra reared her remy wearing head and voiced her opinions. And what happened? Chaos. He was already far too spoiled. And I was already far too over it. End scene.
Next relationship? I was anti-submission. I uttered the word "No" like it was going out of style. And because I couldn't find a middle ground, another failed relationship.
So I dated a few guys, trying to find my balance not quite getting it right. Then I realized I was trying too hard. Trying too hard to be submissive-aggressive when there is no such thing. So I started to be myself. I'm a naturally giving person with some selfish ass tendencies. (Blame my parents. They should have had another kid!). I think that's a pretty good balance. Over the years I've learned how to give and how to hold back. No day is the same and some days you give more than your significant other and that's okay. Once it doesn't become a trend you will be fine.
But back to my point on submission. At 25, I think I get it. Being submissive doesn't mean you're weak, but that you are woman enough to know when to step back and allow your man to take his rightful place as the head. You know how to provide support and feedback without completely tearing a hole into his always-fragile ego. You know how to make suggestions and how to respectfully decline. Sometimes you may have to be blunt and direct but there is always a right and wrong way to do this.
Wrong: What the hell? That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. That makes no sense.
Right: I see your point but what if we tried another way?
And to the women reading this, shaking their head in disgust I beg of you, stop trying so hard to be so tough! You weren't created to be a man. If you were ... then ... you'd be a man. And I can guarantee you (unless your man is a DL brother), your man does NOT want to date a man ... he wants a woman. So be that. Nobody says you have to cry over everything or whine and complain but stop being so cold. It's okay to randomly tell him you love and appreciate him. It's okay to buy him a gift for no reason. It's okay to be emotional and cry during a movie. He won't think you're weak. Instead, he'll want to be a man and protect you even more. If he doesn't, then maybe you aren't dating a real man. If you feel as if he's going to manipulate and take advantage of your "weakness", then you're with the wrong one. Your man should be okay with you being strong and with you letting him take the lead. And it'all about compromise. (Another topic altogether!).
I think we've allowed this "Independent Woman" phrase to screw us over. Don't mind Beyonce, she is QUITE married. And I am pretty sure she knows just how to be submissive without being a pushover. (Mostly cuz I cannot see Jay Z as the type to let a woman walk all over him). They're a pretty good example of two strong personalities that have learned to complement each other. (Whether they're Illuminati affiliated or not).
So go on my youth. Flourish in estrogen! Embrace your PMS! Trust me, a real man is pretty much prepared for it. So let 'em have it! ;)