A thousand times - YES!

Oh my God. Absolutely. Positively. That was (maybe still is) me. My entire life. All 26 years. I love. And when I love - it's not some half assed thing. I love you. Beyond your physical. I love who you are at your very core. No matter how broken. No matter how dark and scary. I want to accept that, because I want you to know that I am for real. I do it because I want to heal you. Because in my mind, this makes me your hero. You'll look up to me. Put me on this pedestal. And love me - forever. To some it may sound crazy, and to some it may sound familiar. It's not crazy, a little delusional, but not crazy. It's just not healthy. It takes an emotional toll on you that eventually takes a physical toll on you. It can literally kill you.

I've just bought this book - Women Who Love Too Much. And HONEY, let me TELL YOU. This book punched me in the gut before I got past the doggone Preface. Tryna play therapist? Wanting to share all your self help books? Girl (read: Macarra) ... stahp. You are not that man's mother or therapist (cuz is he paying you?). It's great to want to help - but ask yourself. WHY are you doing this? To fix him? Heal him? And if so .. for what? Or for who? For you? Why? Does he even WANT you? Girl (once again read: Macarra) ... you better ... 

But let me backtrack and not chastise (just in case it sounds like that). Women were trained to believe that we are just nurturing and it's our job to want to fix and heal. Yes. I agree. But to what extent? And where in these bylaws did it state that we should neglect ourselves in the process? We're women. Beautiful, fragile creatures that are to be adored and protected. But here we are, tryna protect everyone else. Can you imagine a flower trying to protect a gazelle from a lion? Pray tell ..  how's that gonna pan out? Your little cute behind will be squashed in no time flat. That's exactly how it is when you try to "fix" a man. That isn't your job! Especially if you're doing it while in a relationship or in an attempt to make him "better" for you. You. Cannot. Change. Anybody. You just can't! I know all these BS romantic mushy crappy movies make it look like we can, but we CANNOT! Only God change someone - and you're not Him so ... stop. Let people steer their own course. Let them run their own race. Let them fall down, get up, fall back down, break a leg, cry, damn near die and survive. THAT'S how people grow. Not by you coddling and constantly meddling. Did someone do it for you? Chances are, no. And did you die? Nope. You're still here. The victor. So victorious even, that you wanna help everyone else. 

Another thing this does? Make you feel less feminine. Then you start to expect less of men. You don't expect men to court you, anymore. You don't expect flowers or chocolates. You don't expect to be asked out on dates - because you're so strong and masculine, now. You wanna be the aggressor. Ma'am. Chill. Thanks.

Loving too much leaves you so incredibly depleted. I'm speaking from experience. Spending all this time trying to build up this man's confidence, building up his ego, his self esteem and what is he doing for you? Absolutely nothing. Wait ... maybe he is. He's putting in the bare minimum to keep you around. Doing just enough to make you think all your wok is not in vain. Please believe me when I say a man will put in the effort for someone he deems worthy. If he's not doing it for you .. well ... you get where I'm going with this. And FYI. FY-friggin-I, just because ONE man doesn't think you're worthy, doesn't mean all men think that. It also doesn't make him a bad guy, either. (We have a tendency to hate men who don't reciprocate our love. Girl. Chill. That is some self defeating shxt and you needa stop). And to be fair, how many guys have we turned down because we didn't deem them "worthy". Didn't stop them from moving on, right? Go 'head. Check his FB, IG or Twitter. Chances are he's boo'd up and much happier than your miserable self. Lol. It was a joke. Lighten up!

I'll share more as I read the book (cuz I know y'all ain't gonna buy it!). 

Hope I don't get sued for infringement. Haha

So me and my nosy, fast self responded to a tweet this morning. The topic? Being submissive. Apparently, it's a sign of weakness and nobody really sees the point or what it really means. I'd like to take a few minutes and share my thoughts. (Once again, being fast because nobody asked for it, lol).

I grew up in church and was always taught that a wife is to be submissive to her husband. To be completely honest, I always said I couldn't do it. I always envisioned the submissive wife as the woman who had no voice, no opinions, no objections. She was more of a "Yes Woman". I have a big mouth. I talk a lot, I'm objective, opinionated and like to ask "Why?". For a while I had written marriage off as something that would never happen for me. And then I got my first real life (out of high school) boyfriend ...

And I thought he was The One. So I did the "submissive" thing. Friends coming over to watch the game? Well, I must clean up, prepare snacks and stay out of their way. He liked chicken? Well I prepared chicken every possible way. Not a big fan of peas in his rice? Well no peas in the damn rice! Simple, right? No. I was miserable!! Do you know how many times I wanted to say "No"?! But I didn't. Why? I was playing my role as the submissive .... girlfriend. WHAT THE HELL?! That was my first mistake. I was his GIRLFRIEND. NOT his wife. Needless to say, The real Macarra reared her remy wearing head and voiced her opinions. And what happened? Chaos. He was already far too spoiled. And I was already far too over it. End scene.

Next relationship? I was anti-submission. I uttered the word "No" like it was going out of style. And because I couldn't find a middle ground, another failed relationship. 

So I dated a few guys, trying to find my balance not quite getting it right. Then I realized I was trying too hard. Trying too hard to be submissive-aggressive when there is no such thing. So I started to be myself. I'm a naturally giving person with some selfish ass tendencies. (Blame my parents. They should have had another kid!). I think that's a pretty good balance. Over the years I've learned how to give and how to hold back. No day is the same and some days you give more than your significant other and that's okay. Once it doesn't become a trend you will be fine. 

But back to my point on submission. At 25, I think I get it. Being submissive doesn't mean you're weak, but that you are woman enough to know when to step back and allow your man to take his rightful place as the head. You know how to provide support and feedback without completely tearing a hole into his always-fragile ego. You know how to make suggestions and how to respectfully decline. Sometimes you may have to be blunt and direct but there is always a right and wrong way to do this. 

Wrong: What the hell? That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. That makes no sense.
Right: I see your point but what if we tried another way?

And to the women reading this, shaking their head in disgust I beg of you, stop trying so hard to be so tough! You weren't created to be a man. If you were ... then ... you'd be a man. And I can guarantee you  (unless your man is a DL brother), your man does NOT want to date a man ... he wants a woman. So be that. Nobody says you have to cry over everything or whine and complain but stop being so cold. It's okay to randomly tell him you love and appreciate him. It's okay to buy him a gift for no reason. It's okay to be emotional and cry during a movie. He won't think you're weak. Instead, he'll want to be a man and protect you even more. If he doesn't, then maybe you aren't dating a real man. If you feel as if he's going to manipulate and take advantage of your "weakness", then you're with the wrong one. Your man should be okay with you being strong and with you letting him take the lead. And it'all about compromise. (Another topic altogether!). 

I think we've allowed this "Independent Woman" phrase to screw us over. Don't mind Beyonce, she is QUITE married. And I am pretty sure she knows just how to be submissive without being a pushover. (Mostly cuz I cannot see Jay Z as the type to let a woman walk all over him). They're a pretty good example of two strong personalities that have learned to complement each other. (Whether they're Illuminati affiliated or not). 

So go on my youth. Flourish in estrogen! Embrace your PMS! Trust me, a real man is pretty much prepared for it. So let 'em have it! ;)
You can’t make him love you. I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times. But those women weren’t like you. And the men weren’t like yours. They didn’t have what you two have. What you two have is real. This is the kind of love people write and sing about – but rarely, if ever, experience.

To you my dear, I have ONE thing to say: You. Are. Delusional.

I don’t care how many tricks you pull out for this man, if he doesn’t want you. HE DOES NOT WANT YOU!! You can cook and clean and iron all his friggin’ SHEETS. If his HEART is not with you, he is NOT going to stay. And please believe me when I say I’m not judging you. I’ve been there. So in love with this man. Willing to do whatever he asked. Cuz I just KNEW this was true love. I loved him. He loved me. What the hell could EVER go wrong?!
Then one day. BAM! Negro just up and left. He swears up and down that you did nothing wrong but you can’t help but wonder:

Maybe I didn’t call enough.
Maybe if I had made myself more available.
Maybe I didn’t put him first enough.
You try and try and just can’t come up with anything! And there’s this NAGGING voice that you KNOW is the TRUTH but you try so hard to deny it. It’s that voice saying, “Maybe he just doesn’t love you.” But this CAN’T be true. How could he NOT love a woman that was always available to him and always does what he asks? Isn’t that what he wanted? Well I’m sorry I can’t answer that but I can tell you one thing and I can’t say it enough – If he does not love … You can’t MAKE him!
I’ve seen too many women taken advantage of by men who know all they want is a roll in the hay. They will lead you on. Tell you everything you want to hear:
“Baby, there’s just something about you. You’re so different.”
“Baby, I’ve never felt this way about anybody.”
“Baby, you make me a better man.”

They will wine and dine you. They will introduce to their friends as “wifey.” They will spend the night … Matter of fact, they will spend MANY nights. They will cuddle after sex and call and text all day. Yeah, you fall for it huh? But does this mean that he loves you or is he just a master seducer?
Women have a radar. We can spot a fake from a mile away. But there’s this part of our brain that we seem to smother with our heart and choose to believe that he is being genuine. We say this so much ‘til we actually believe it and when the truth (as we suspected) is revealed, we find it hard to believe. And are left devastated and heartbroken.
But I don’t wanna just blame this on the men. Some women do this to THEMSELVES. They’ll be with one of the rare straight up men who says to them, “Listen, I like you but I’m talking to other people.” And because you’re “superwoman” you choose to stay. Know why? Cuz you gat the “must come back.” MUDAFLICK I can’t tell you how much this IRKS me. Your sex will NOT make him stay (but that’s a whole other Blog).
But other than that, you do everything in your power to “make him stay.” You wash his dirty drawers. You iron his clothes for work. You cook him breakfast, pack him lunch and make him dinner. You give him sex when he asks and you’re always available to him. So you GATA win right? This other women CAN’T be doing what you doin’. And chances are – she isn’t. But she has something you just can’t seem to get a grasp on … His HEART.
She leaves a little something to be known. She’s mysterious. She’s intriguing. She’s hot and she’s cold and he just can’t figure her out! She’s doing her own thing, living her own life and making sure she is happy. And he wants to know why! Which is why he chases after her … And not you. Trust me, he appreciates you. And so does she. She doesn’t have to do all the legwork – you’re doing it for her. She’s playing her cards right. And you’re stuck with the losing hand. And don’t you DARE try to change now. He’s gonna leave you. You were his maid. And now that you can no longer perform, he must leave.
Sucks huh? I know. We’ve all been there but you gata get up … And move on. And know better for next time. Let him love you first. Don’t put yourself ALL the way out there. That’s a sure way to get your feelings hurt. So take your time and don’t force love. Let it kind of force itself on you.

I don’t know about you … But I don’t wanna FALL in love … I want to GROW in it. Just seems more stable and secure to me.

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