So I’ve been getting a lot of hits lately and yes I am excited. Who doesn’t like to be heard? But I’m going through my emails and inbox messages on Facebook this morning, enjoying my blueberry bagel and French Vanilla coffee and I see a message from someone that isn’t even on my Friends list. I could have SWORN I had that disabled. Smt. But I open it anyway and begin to read. And this girl had the AUDACITY to tell me (and I quote) “I think you’re a gorgeous Black Woman. But I see that you’re single. I also know that you were recently in a relationship and it didn’t last long. Not as long as you anticipated I bet. But just in case, I have a few ways to get him back or to keep the next man that enters your life. Please don’t be insulted by what I have to say, just take it as advice. I’ve been around for a little longer than you have and believe me when I say that there is NO reason for you to be single. You have a lot going for yourself.”
HOLD. THE. HELL. ON! Oh HELL no … she did NOT just go THERE!
So, I’m single. Something HAS to be wrong with me.
Maybe you just need more self-confidence.
Maybe if you were a little more accommodating.
Maybe if you went the right places.
How ‘bout you kiss my black ass? There is NOTHING wrong with me being single! What the hell?! Are you retarded? Do I need a man to validate my worth? I’m so sorry that you feel that way because I DON’T need one to do that. If I wanna VALIDATE myself, I’ll look at my paycheck and the fact that I can pay my college tuition, rent, light, water, cable, phone, internet, grocery and car bills without laying on my back for it … What the hell?
But YOU on the other hand, you pretentious PRICK. You‘re what …. 33? And your MAN is 23? Ooooookay! You REALLY found a MAN huh?! Unemployed and still at home with his mom. WHOA! You must have fought off HUNDREDS of chicks for this “man” huh? Smt. He is a NOBODY and a LITTLE boy. I don’t care how big his whatever is and how well he uses his tongue, he is a child with a childlike mentality. When you guys go out, people look and GAWK … And stop calling them HATERS, cuz they aren’t jealous. They really just wanna vomit.
Seriously, think about it, when you were graduating HIGH SCHOOL, this kid was in the middle of his ELEMENTARY education. K … Yeahhhh, that’s REAL sexy!
And then YOU. Wit ya bad self. Been round the block more than your share of times. Bouncin’ around like a flippin’ slinky. From hand to friggin hand. Foolin’ round with other people man and sometimes their woman. But YOU wanna give ME advice on how to get and worse yet, KEEP A MAN?! Smt.
But I think I get it! You’re dating this boy, whoops, I’m sorry, MAN, because your own circle got tired of looking at your old, tired, broke down behind. So you infiltrate the new social circle and try to scoop up some unknowing idiot who can accept you (and your kids) cuz he can’t really do a lot better himself. Or you feel like you’ve probably finally gotten something right since after YEARS of failed relations and relationships you’ve found someone that understands you and gets you and appreciates you. So you MUST share your tips right?
If your intention was to be a cougar, my God you could have at LEAST locked down an ELIGIBLE bachelor. Think Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Not Macy Gray and Soulja Boy. A hot flippin mess.
But yeah, you and your philosophical statuses and Notes. And I’m not gonna lie, I think they’re very interesting and intriguing ... I’ll even venture out to say intelligent. The only problem I have is the AUTHOR! I can’t say enough how STUPID you look … Giving out your tidbits of information to the masses who are only looking at you and laughing. At you and your tired “man”.
So the next time you decide to send me an email on this big blessed Tuesday morning, please choose another day to do it!
La Chienne La Plus Douce
It’s only Life, Don’t Kill Yourself Over It. It Expires When It Wants To Anyway.