LMAO! I’m already laughinnnnnn! OMG. Okay, so this is like the AGE OLD question: “Does Size Really Matter?” 

I personally think that it does AND it doesn’t. It kinda depends on the guy … Andddd the woman. I SO hate to hear women say this, “Girl don’t mess with him, his dick is SOOO small. I didn’t feel ANYTHING.” … Then you go and fucks with it and come to find out, it ain’t all that small! Like it ain’t no porno dick but you could definitely make it work; especially if you try some new positions instead of the old boring missionary. That chick may just be (genetically) wide-set. Which brings me to my next point. Some women are just genetically tighter than others. It doesn’t matter if “Girl A” had a child and has sex with 3 different men a week, if her shit is tight, IT’S TIGHT. Then the “Girl B” may have slept with only 2 men in her life and STILL not have the grip Girl A has. *kanye shrug* It is what it is! 

Now back to my topic: Size! Haaaa! Now men, y'all know I LOVE y'all but Imma need y'all to stop LYING! You HAVE to know if your shit's small or not. Don't give me NO other stories!! ALL y'all watch porn and I KNOW y'all be looking down like, "Hmmmm, mine isn't THAT big. SHIT!!! Is my dick small? YES IT IS! FACKKK!" But you wanna come to me bout "Macarra I will rock your world. Leave it lookin' like a Category Five Hurricane just passed through." Gettin' me ALLLLL excited like MUDDOES!! I CAN'T WAIT. Then when Judgment Day comes around, all I'm left with is a TROPICAL DEPRESSION!! 'Bout Category Five. GTFOH!! 

If you know you have a small dick, that's okay. We need guys like y'all who ain't gon' stretch us out before we get married. (Sounds stink hey? But it's TRUE!) Who wants to have sex with a bunch of big-dick men and get married to the man of your dreams with an average dick? You ain't gon' feel NOTHIN! LMAO ... Okay, okay, I stop. But yeah, dude, if you know your shit's small why LIE?! You DO realize that at SOME point we're gonna find out right? When we bring sex up, you should leave it as a big mystery; make us want you even more. That way if the sex is average, we can't get mad cuz you never promised anything. Smart right? I know ... I have my moments of brilliance. :P 

Now advice to men of ALL sizes: FOREPLAY IS THE ORDER OF THE DAY!! I'm not gonna lie, it's very rare that a woman will orgasm or cum via missionary penetration. With that said ... GET ON YOUR KNEES! YEAHHHHHH! :) Kiss her neck, suck (or nibble on) her breasts, use your tongue to make circles around her belly button, kiss her thighs ... and then BOOM! POW! Deal with the wibe. yes, most women like to receive oral. So go for GOLD buddy. Use your MOUTH, not just your tongue. Lemme stop before y'all can't concentrate to work. But seriously, don't just depend on your dick, I don't care WHAT size it is. Now just because you have a big dick doesn't mean you can just slam it and run either cuz y'all are the ones that require us doing the most work. We gata get on top simply because we don't want you to pull a Kanye (bruisin' our esophagus!) So y'all STILL need to FULLY MASTER the art of foreplay. THANKS! 

Oh and to SQUASH another MYTH!! That whole "big hands, big feet" thing?! PURE BS! 

Happy Thanksgiving ... And remember guys ... Women like a man that can FULLY enjoy an ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET. LMAO! 

La Chienne La Plus Douce
I have no introduction. The letter should be enough.
Dear Ex:

                I know you miss him. If I were you I’d miss him too. He’s so sweet. And generous and thoughtful. A real gentleman. He opens my doors and sends me flowers for no reason at all. We take long drives and listen to Bruno Mars and Usher. He even sings some of them to me. He loves his family, especially his mom. Their bond is so tight; it’s admirable. He’s a hell of a hard-worker too. When he comes home, I wind up giving him backrubs and a hot meal. Yeah, he’s THAT kind of man. He deserves that. He listens to me when I have something to say. Sometimes just listening because he knows that all I want to do is vent. And our sex? Ha! Definitely something to write home about. His kisses that leave hot wet trails in their wake. Ugh, he’s damn near perfect. And even when he makes me mad as hell, I still want him around! His good EASILY outweighs his bad. Easily.

                You had all of this, but you didn’t want it. You loved it at first I bet, thought he was so perfect but you began to look at your neighbor’s grass. Damn that grass looked green huh? So you stepped on over and helped yourself. Tasted good right? So good you stayed there; nibbling this forbidden fruit. Neglecting your own man, whose love began to slowly wither and die. You came back on occasions, but never long enough though. As soon as you turned your attention to that forbidden fantasy, you just had to make it your reality [if only for a short while]. You knew your man would wait for you, because he loved you.

                Until you fucked it up. Yeah, you were caught and your sweet lies weren’t enough to save you this time. He called it off. You figured this was the best thing so you agreed. After all, you had your green grass now right? You were GOOD! Who the hell needed him anyway?

                Fast forward to mere weeks later. Ugh, this grass tastes like shit. [Too much of a good thing ain’t always a good thing right?] So you slowly ease back into his life. Simple text messages, “Hey, what’s up. Just checking in on ya.” BULLSHIT. You ain’t JUST checkin’ in. You wanna find out if you still have a shot at making this thing work. He returns your text messages but something’s different. He’s not as mushy as he used to be. His “Hey baby” was replaced with “Sup?” You don’t like it so you try even harder but to no avail. What the hell happened?! I’ll tell you what happened.

                I’M what happened. You made it SO easy for me. A REAL woman. Who knows how to see and appreciate a good man while she has him, not after the fact. I’m damn near floored at his appreciativeness. A simple task like running his bath and making sure he’s fed on time. [And I’m not talking about a #6 from Wendy’s either.] He has to be so grateful because he’s never had a WOMAN treat him like this. Matter of fact, he’s never had a REAL WOMAN before. Simple backrubs and scalp massages after a long day. A simple text throughout the day to say “Hey baby, I can’t wait to see you later.” And I have to keep saying SIMPLE because that’s what it is to me; Nothing difficult.

                Then you find out about me. And cue the FIREWORKS! The text messages POUR in. NOW you can say how much you love and need and miss him. But honey bunch, you’re a little too late. He’s had a taste of real and he simply can’t turn back. I mean like the song says, “If you could have Beyonce, would you take Solange?” Yes babygirl, you are the Solange to my Beyonce. A shadow. A mere speck in someone’s mind. Easily forgotten … Ever so easily replaced. So please stop. It’s becoming sad, pathetic and OLD. He doesn’t want you back. And quite frankly, you should be happy. Besides, I am one hard act to follow. I wouldn’t want to come after me either!

Yours Truly,

Loved, Sexed & Satisfied. 

You can’t make him love you. I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times. But those women weren’t like you. And the men weren’t like yours. They didn’t have what you two have. What you two have is real. This is the kind of love people write and sing about – but rarely, if ever, experience.

To you my dear, I have ONE thing to say: You. Are. Delusional.

I don’t care how many tricks you pull out for this man, if he doesn’t want you. HE DOES NOT WANT YOU!! You can cook and clean and iron all his friggin’ SHEETS. If his HEART is not with you, he is NOT going to stay. And please believe me when I say I’m not judging you. I’ve been there. So in love with this man. Willing to do whatever he asked. Cuz I just KNEW this was true love. I loved him. He loved me. What the hell could EVER go wrong?!
Then one day. BAM! Negro just up and left. He swears up and down that you did nothing wrong but you can’t help but wonder:

Maybe I didn’t call enough.
Maybe if I had made myself more available.
Maybe I didn’t put him first enough.
You try and try and just can’t come up with anything! And there’s this NAGGING voice that you KNOW is the TRUTH but you try so hard to deny it. It’s that voice saying, “Maybe he just doesn’t love you.” But this CAN’T be true. How could he NOT love a woman that was always available to him and always does what he asks? Isn’t that what he wanted? Well I’m sorry I can’t answer that but I can tell you one thing and I can’t say it enough – If he does not love … You can’t MAKE him!
I’ve seen too many women taken advantage of by men who know all they want is a roll in the hay. They will lead you on. Tell you everything you want to hear:
“Baby, there’s just something about you. You’re so different.”
“Baby, I’ve never felt this way about anybody.”
“Baby, you make me a better man.”

They will wine and dine you. They will introduce to their friends as “wifey.” They will spend the night … Matter of fact, they will spend MANY nights. They will cuddle after sex and call and text all day. Yeah, you fall for it huh? But does this mean that he loves you or is he just a master seducer?
Women have a radar. We can spot a fake from a mile away. But there’s this part of our brain that we seem to smother with our heart and choose to believe that he is being genuine. We say this so much ‘til we actually believe it and when the truth (as we suspected) is revealed, we find it hard to believe. And are left devastated and heartbroken.
But I don’t wanna just blame this on the men. Some women do this to THEMSELVES. They’ll be with one of the rare straight up men who says to them, “Listen, I like you but I’m talking to other people.” And because you’re “superwoman” you choose to stay. Know why? Cuz you gat the “must come back.” MUDAFLICK I can’t tell you how much this IRKS me. Your sex will NOT make him stay (but that’s a whole other Blog).
But other than that, you do everything in your power to “make him stay.” You wash his dirty drawers. You iron his clothes for work. You cook him breakfast, pack him lunch and make him dinner. You give him sex when he asks and you’re always available to him. So you GATA win right? This other women CAN’T be doing what you doin’. And chances are – she isn’t. But she has something you just can’t seem to get a grasp on … His HEART.
She leaves a little something to be known. She’s mysterious. She’s intriguing. She’s hot and she’s cold and he just can’t figure her out! She’s doing her own thing, living her own life and making sure she is happy. And he wants to know why! Which is why he chases after her … And not you. Trust me, he appreciates you. And so does she. She doesn’t have to do all the legwork – you’re doing it for her. She’s playing her cards right. And you’re stuck with the losing hand. And don’t you DARE try to change now. He’s gonna leave you. You were his maid. And now that you can no longer perform, he must leave.
Sucks huh? I know. We’ve all been there but you gata get up … And move on. And know better for next time. Let him love you first. Don’t put yourself ALL the way out there. That’s a sure way to get your feelings hurt. So take your time and don’t force love. Let it kind of force itself on you.

I don’t know about you … But I don’t wanna FALL in love … I want to GROW in it. Just seems more stable and secure to me.

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La Chienne La Plus Douce