I have no introduction. The letter should be enough.
  
Dear Ex:

                I know you miss him. If I were you I’d miss him too. He’s so sweet. And generous and thoughtful. A real gentleman. He opens my doors and sends me flowers for no reason at all. We take long drives and listen to Bruno Mars and Usher. He even sings some of them to me. He loves his family, especially his mom. Their bond is so tight; it’s admirable. He’s a hell of a hard-worker too. When he comes home, I wind up giving him backrubs and a hot meal. Yeah, he’s THAT kind of man. He deserves that. He listens to me when I have something to say. Sometimes just listening because he knows that all I want to do is vent. And our sex? Ha! Definitely something to write home about. His kisses that leave hot wet trails in their wake. Ugh, he’s damn near perfect. And even when he makes me mad as hell, I still want him around! His good EASILY outweighs his bad. Easily.

                You had all of this, but you didn’t want it. You loved it at first I bet, thought he was so perfect but you began to look at your neighbor’s grass. Damn that grass looked green huh? So you stepped on over and helped yourself. Tasted good right? So good you stayed there; nibbling this forbidden fruit. Neglecting your own man, whose love began to slowly wither and die. You came back on occasions, but never long enough though. As soon as you turned your attention to that forbidden fantasy, you just had to make it your reality [if only for a short while]. You knew your man would wait for you, because he loved you.

                Until you fucked it up. Yeah, you were caught and your sweet lies weren’t enough to save you this time. He called it off. You figured this was the best thing so you agreed. After all, you had your green grass now right? You were GOOD! Who the hell needed him anyway?

                Fast forward to mere weeks later. Ugh, this grass tastes like shit. [Too much of a good thing ain’t always a good thing right?] So you slowly ease back into his life. Simple text messages, “Hey, what’s up. Just checking in on ya.” BULLSHIT. You ain’t JUST checkin’ in. You wanna find out if you still have a shot at making this thing work. He returns your text messages but something’s different. He’s not as mushy as he used to be. His “Hey baby” was replaced with “Sup?” You don’t like it so you try even harder but to no avail. What the hell happened?! I’ll tell you what happened.

                I’M what happened. You made it SO easy for me. A REAL woman. Who knows how to see and appreciate a good man while she has him, not after the fact. I’m damn near floored at his appreciativeness. A simple task like running his bath and making sure he’s fed on time. [And I’m not talking about a #6 from Wendy’s either.] He has to be so grateful because he’s never had a WOMAN treat him like this. Matter of fact, he’s never had a REAL WOMAN before. Simple backrubs and scalp massages after a long day. A simple text throughout the day to say “Hey baby, I can’t wait to see you later.” And I have to keep saying SIMPLE because that’s what it is to me; Nothing difficult.

                Then you find out about me. And cue the FIREWORKS! The text messages POUR in. NOW you can say how much you love and need and miss him. But honey bunch, you’re a little too late. He’s had a taste of real and he simply can’t turn back. I mean like the song says, “If you could have Beyonce, would you take Solange?” Yes babygirl, you are the Solange to my Beyonce. A shadow. A mere speck in someone’s mind. Easily forgotten … Ever so easily replaced. So please stop. It’s becoming sad, pathetic and OLD. He doesn’t want you back. And quite frankly, you should be happy. Besides, I am one hard act to follow. I wouldn’t want to come after me either!
                

Yours Truly,

Loved, Sexed & Satisfied. 

You can’t make him love you. I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times. But those women weren’t like you. And the men weren’t like yours. They didn’t have what you two have. What you two have is real. This is the kind of love people write and sing about – but rarely, if ever, experience.

To you my dear, I have ONE thing to say: You. Are. Delusional.

I don’t care how many tricks you pull out for this man, if he doesn’t want you. HE DOES NOT WANT YOU!! You can cook and clean and iron all his friggin’ SHEETS. If his HEART is not with you, he is NOT going to stay. And please believe me when I say I’m not judging you. I’ve been there. So in love with this man. Willing to do whatever he asked. Cuz I just KNEW this was true love. I loved him. He loved me. What the hell could EVER go wrong?!
  
Then one day. BAM! Negro just up and left. He swears up and down that you did nothing wrong but you can’t help but wonder:

Maybe I didn’t call enough.
Maybe if I had made myself more available.
Maybe I didn’t put him first enough.
  
You try and try and just can’t come up with anything! And there’s this NAGGING voice that you KNOW is the TRUTH but you try so hard to deny it. It’s that voice saying, “Maybe he just doesn’t love you.” But this CAN’T be true. How could he NOT love a woman that was always available to him and always does what he asks? Isn’t that what he wanted? Well I’m sorry I can’t answer that but I can tell you one thing and I can’t say it enough – If he does not love … You can’t MAKE him!
  
I’ve seen too many women taken advantage of by men who know all they want is a roll in the hay. They will lead you on. Tell you everything you want to hear:
  
“Baby, there’s just something about you. You’re so different.”
“Baby, I’ve never felt this way about anybody.”
“Baby, you make me a better man.”

They will wine and dine you. They will introduce to their friends as “wifey.” They will spend the night … Matter of fact, they will spend MANY nights. They will cuddle after sex and call and text all day. Yeah, you fall for it huh? But does this mean that he loves you or is he just a master seducer?
  
Women have a radar. We can spot a fake from a mile away. But there’s this part of our brain that we seem to smother with our heart and choose to believe that he is being genuine. We say this so much ‘til we actually believe it and when the truth (as we suspected) is revealed, we find it hard to believe. And are left devastated and heartbroken.
  
But I don’t wanna just blame this on the men. Some women do this to THEMSELVES. They’ll be with one of the rare straight up men who says to them, “Listen, I like you but I’m talking to other people.” And because you’re “superwoman” you choose to stay. Know why? Cuz you gat the “must come back.” MUDAFLICK I can’t tell you how much this IRKS me. Your sex will NOT make him stay (but that’s a whole other Blog).
  
But other than that, you do everything in your power to “make him stay.” You wash his dirty drawers. You iron his clothes for work. You cook him breakfast, pack him lunch and make him dinner. You give him sex when he asks and you’re always available to him. So you GATA win right? This other women CAN’T be doing what you doin’. And chances are – she isn’t. But she has something you just can’t seem to get a grasp on … His HEART.
  
She leaves a little something to be known. She’s mysterious. She’s intriguing. She’s hot and she’s cold and he just can’t figure her out! She’s doing her own thing, living her own life and making sure she is happy. And he wants to know why! Which is why he chases after her … And not you. Trust me, he appreciates you. And so does she. She doesn’t have to do all the legwork – you’re doing it for her. She’s playing her cards right. And you’re stuck with the losing hand. And don’t you DARE try to change now. He’s gonna leave you. You were his maid. And now that you can no longer perform, he must leave.
  
Sucks huh? I know. We’ve all been there but you gata get up … And move on. And know better for next time. Let him love you first. Don’t put yourself ALL the way out there. That’s a sure way to get your feelings hurt. So take your time and don’t force love. Let it kind of force itself on you.

I don’t know about you … But I don’t wanna FALL in love … I want to GROW in it. Just seems more stable and secure to me.

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xoxo,
La Chienne La Plus Douce

 

Okay, so in today’s society, yesterday’s taboos have become today’s glorified. A few decades back, if you even DREAMED of having a kid before becoming Mr.  & Mrs. you were regarded as “socially unacceptable” and your child was nothing more than a bastard.

Nowadays, if a woman tells you that she has a kid and is unwed, she is ALL of a sudden independent and strong. See how times have changed? The same goes for casual sex. Its portrayed everywhere you go as the “in” thing. Just have sex. No feelings. No strings. Just sex. Its not a big deal anymore.
   
Which brings me to today’s blog topic. “Ask that man out.” From the beginning of friggin’ time women have been told, “You must be seen and not heard.” What the hell? Now ANYBODY that knows me KNOWS that I never ever everrrr took to this rule. So I should be like a fly on the wall while all the men talk? WTF? No thank you ma’am. I will say what I have to say whether you like it or not. Whether my response was solicited or not. So in saying that, y’all just but KNOW a WOMAN asking a MAN out is just about as rare as a unicorn on Bay Street. But what’s so hard? [And this is the kettle calling the pot black cuz Lord you KNOW I don’t know how to do it either. So this is some help for all of us today.]

REJECTION. I really hate that word. It’s just so stupid. And ugly. Ugh. REJECTION. Let’s take a minute and just stare at it … *side eye* … Nobody likes rejection. It hurts and it’s a MAJOR ego-killer. Which is why men have so damn much of it! Rejection sucks but they gat that super reserve to fill their ego tank right back up. Now women on the other hand, we’re super sensitive about rejection. It’s like validation. And you can try to be all 21st century as you like, you KNOW that it SUCKS when the guy you wanna go out with, ain’t really on ya run. So I’ve come up with some cool and creative ways to minimize [you both] feeling awkward.

1.       Have The Right Atmosphere

Now you KNOW you CANNOT ask that boy out when he’s at a bar in front of all his friends. He’ll more than likely say yes out of pity and no one wants that. Or, he’ll say no and you’ll be the butt of their jokes for a hot minute. And I think that would suck more. And ask him out in PERSON please ... NOT Facebook. ESPECIALLY when you just added him that morning. That’s CREEPY!

2.       Make The First Move

Sad to say [and I know this from experience] a lot of NORMAL guys are shy and are too scared to walk up to the girl they’re interested in. And y’all know we have some idiots runnin’ around Nassau who will just walk up to you [and 37 other women] and be like “Baby lemme take you out.” THOSE are the ones you run away from. But the ones you think may actually show you a good time, are a little put off by your astounding beauty and are afraid to walk up to you. So you do it. Even if you know him already, walk up to him [and be really cool about it], and start some small talk. Flirt a little. And if he flirts back. Aww FLIP! You IN! And don’t RUN OUT either. Like don’t be hangin’ all on the boy arm. A casual touch on his chest as you sweetly giggle at one of his [stale] jokes should do the trick. ;-)

3.      Make Eye Contact

Look at him. And not the ground. You come off as a lot more confident which equates to being more attractive. And if he returns the 2 second eye gaze, he’s probably interested.

4.      Compliment Him

Women LOVE compliments. Some of us go FISHING for these compliments. We’ll say, “Ugh, I HATE this dress” just to hear a guy tell us, “No baby, you look good.” … And don’t lie! Now, if you think men are any different, my dear you are sadly mistaken. Men = Ego. Ego = Stroking [aka lotionin]. Stroking = Compliments. See the equation? Yeah. Now don’t be silly about it either. DO NOT say “Oh my God. You have a pretty color nah.” … Say “Wow, what is that cologne. That smells so good.” … Oh and be sure to place some sexy emphasis on “sooo sexy.”

5.      Ask Him Questions

Ask small non-intrusive questions to find out what he likes, what he does, what he does for fun .. .Bla bla bla. DO NOT ask the boy, “So where you live? You live by yaseff?” That is OVERLY intrusive. Thanks.

6.      Ask Him Out

After you’ve done this, you should both be comfortable at this point. And since you’ve had some decent small talk and you’ve figured out if you’d both be interested in the same thing, ask him out. You can always say something like, “I really enjoyed talking to you, we should do this again.” Kinda leave the question open and watch his reaction. If he steps in closer, this means he’s interested. But if he steps back, he may be a little thrown off. If his reaction is positive, great! Mention some Art Show or movie you wanted to see and exchange numbers. If he doesn’t respond positively, don’t go into hiding. He may just want to get to know you better. And if he stuck around all this time, he may actually be interested. And don’t walk off bein’ all pissed off if he says he doesn’t wanna go out with you. Politely smile [and cuss him in your head], shake his hand and walk off. I bet he’ll be thinkin’ about you for the rest of the night. Shoot, he may even come to his senses and ask you out. Ya never know.

But at the end of the day, you must remember ONE thing. Be YOURSELF! If you read this and were thinking about a certain someone, great. You have target practice. And if it REALLY works out, I may even dance to your wedding. 

xoxo,
La Chienne La Plus Douce

This is for my men. Y’all know I love y’all but it hurts me to hear y’all say “Aint no more good woman around.”
Now I’ll be lying if I said that a lot of my fellow females have been doing some real dumb ish, but that doesn’t give you the right to say that there aren’t more good women. Men LOVE to get sensitive when women say that about them and use the [now] infamous line: “Can’t beat everybody with the same stick.” But before you point fingers at women, how about you look at YOURSELF first. Are YOU a good man? Are YOU able to support and take care of a woman? Not only with monetary funds, but both emotionally and mentally?
 
She may not be on ya run or even giving you a chance for a few reasons. I gat my top five right here:
 
5. You Don’t Even Have A Car
My Lord man. Now listen, every sensible man knows that you CANNOT come up on a grown ass woman and you have no mode of transportation. So when we go out for dinner, I have to pick you up? Not because your car is down but because you ain’t gat none! Come on bruh! That ish is NOT gonna fly. You needs to get yourself to the nearest Sanpin Motors and pay down on, if not a new, a nice used car. Ain’t gata be a Mercedes Benz but a lil’ Honda with a CD player for those nights when you just wanna go for a ride. And YES, I’d like to be in a car with some music cuz I don’t expect to talk to you the entire ride. Oh, and AC. Just because. May get heated in this car! LOL!
 
4. You Don’t Have A Job
I don’t even think I should elaborate on this, but I will. Now adding to the fact that you do NOT have a car, you don’t even have a JOB to pay for dinner?! You are seriously trippin’. Please get ya big nasty behind up and go find the Classifieds and get your broke self a doggone JOB! How. HOW. HOW do you expect to find a good woman with no job? And to top it all of you ain’t even TRYING?! Bout you ain’t workin’ for the man? Listen, don’t flippin do it! Until your non-high school diploma havin’ backside decides to get a GED at least and learn a trade you WILL work for the man until you BECOME the man. Okay?! Got it? GOOD! Here’s 2 dollars. Go and get the Tribune and The Nassau Guardian.
 
3. You Still Live At Home
Awwwwaa, it’s a mama’s boy. How sweeeet! But wait! This negro is THIRTY years old and STILL at home?! Oh no. No no no! And worse off, he ain’t even TRYING to get something for himself. Not even a piece of property. My Lord. It’s okay to still be at home and working on your home but you just wanna be home because you’re IRRESPONSIBLE? No sah! No no noooo! My God, I was on my own since I was EIGHTEEN. EIGHTEEN. And I am a WOMAN and an ONLY child. So yeah, I’m gonna judge you REAL hard. Every time we wanna just hang out I gata be lookin’ up at your ma, pa, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews and cousins? And the ONLY time we can really hang out is at MY place? Keep it movin’ bruh! #NotInterested
 
2. Baby Mama Drama
Most women love kids. Their OWN kids. Now I’m sorry. I am not prepared to deal with you and your 3 kids and your 3 baby mamas. First you don’t have a job, no car, you live at home with mama and NOW you gat the BMD! No sah. I don’t care what anybody says, all women [and men] are very apprehensive about the BMD [or BDD cuz Baby Daddies are just as retarded] just because it’s almost unavoidable. We’re out to dinner, your phone rings. It’s your BM. Calling with some BS about the baby needs pampers, or a new bottle, or formula. Then when we’re chillin’ at my [or your] place BM decides to just drop the kids off at 11pm cuz her and the girls are going to the club? WTF!? No babygirl. Now until your BM gets some damn manners and respect for ME ain’t nothin’ bout to happen with me and you. And I HATE when BM’s use this line: “Baby mama can always get it.” Know why I hate it? Cuz 99% of the time, It’s TRUE! And I don’t need that looming over my head every time y’all have a PTA meeting or soccer match. Yeah. No thanks.
 
1. You Are STILL A Player
Now I KNOW you are not calling us women “no good” when you tryna get under ever flippin’ gowntail in Nassau! How do you expect to find a GOOD woman when your nights usually end up with you in Fluid, Cocktails and Dreams and Charlie’s - grindin’ up on some random stranger that you’ll probably end up taking back to your mom’s place or the backseat of your boy’s car? How do you expect to get a good woman when your BEST pick up line is: “Sweetness why you don’t come hya man? You look DEAD good.” Why? Why are you complaining? You don’t want a woman. You want a broke down, aint into nothing, NIB collecting, baby making, trampy, pole dancing, lace front wearin’ FEMALE! NOT to be confused with its much CLASSIER counterpart: WOMAN. So stop bein’ a damn DOG and sniffin’ asses and maybe, JUST MAYBE you’ll get yourself a real WOMAN.
 
So in short, after writing both articles, I feel like good women and good men are all over Nassau. We just have to position ourselves.
If you aren’t finding the love of your life, they may just not be a part of the life you live.
 
You can’t expect to find better men and women doing the same things. So get out there. Try something new. Take up yoga, join a gym or get dressed the hell up and go to a high-end restaurant – All by yourself. Watch the difference.
 
xoxo,
La Chienne La Plus Douce 

There are still good men out there.
Don't agree?
Maybe you're looking in all the wrong places.
How you gon' look for a good man in the club?
In your skimpiest outfit?
With your highest heels?
And face covered with at least 2 and a half pounds of makeup?
He's distracted....by the obvious.
He is, after all, a man....
A carnal being.
You're not even giving him the opportunity to think about what you may look like under your clothes cuz you gat it all in his face.
Then because he can't concentrate on what you're saying (because he's so distracted by the double d's you tried to squeeze in a C to look "sexy") you gon' say he's a dog....
Seriously?
 
How you gon' say ain't no good men around when you wanna test drive every man in sight?
He's heard about you....
He is a man...
He will try.
So because he stuck with the saying "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"....and you're still waiting for that 27 carat diamond you gon' call him a no-good man?
You're funny.....you really are.
 
How you gon' say ain't no good men out there when you can't even hold down a job?
A "good" man wants to take care of a woman but he doesn't necessarily wanna do it cuz he has no choice.
He wants to wine and dine you but my God, give him a chance to get to know you first....
You really expect him to fill your pantry after one night?
A good man wants a woman who can help him when he can't help himself
Not a woman who'd jump ship when he says "Baby, I can't....."
You still at home filing your nails waiting for Mr. Right to buy you that new Range?
Get real mama.
 
How you gon' say ain't no good men out there when you gat four baby daddy's??
I ain't gettin' down on nobody....
Children are a gift from God but it's YOUR gift honey, not his.
Just because he doesn't wanna date you because of your four kids doesn't mean he isn't a good man...
It could mean that while he is interested in you and the well-being of your kids, he may not be financially stable enough to help all of you.
It could also mean that he wants to avoid the drama of potential run-ins with the baby daddy's ....
Or it could mean that he is not very paternal...
But it doesn't mean that he isn't a good man.
 
How you gon' say ain't no good men around when you can't even hold a sensible conversation?
He can't even leave you alone at a work party cuz he's afraid you'll embarrass him.
Much LESS introduce you to the 'rents....
A man doesn't wanna date someone he has to hide....
He wants someone he can show off to his friends....
Someone with wifey potential....
Not someone who only specializes in tricks between the sheets (don't get it twisted now ladies....tricks between the sheets are a plus!)
 
I love men. Black, white, brown and in-between. Now while some are skanky, whorin dogs, ya gat some real men out there, doing real things, looking for a real woman!
So before you start beating up on my men, take a look at yourself: are you being a good woman?
 
Food for thought eh!

Men never seem to see how much they can hurt a woman. So intensely. So deeply. They don’t seem to appreciate the most unselfish, undying, self-denying love that is placed right before them. Total disregard for that woman’s heart, they walk amidst her as if her presence isn’t even wanted, much less needed. How? How can a man look at a woman that’s openly expressed her love for him, in the eye and cut her heart, her soul with words sharper than knives?
 
I usually write funny blogs but today I’m feeling a lot more serious. I saw a tweet yesterday: “GUYS: most of you have no idea how much pain you put a girl through. If she gave you her "point of view", you couldn't handle the pain.” And this struck home with me. I read it a few times and of course I re-tweeted but my God, I wish I could HUG the guy that put this up. Oh btw, you MUST follow him on twitter: iRespectFemales.
 
A woman’s love is so precious; sort of like a love that is more than love. Much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense [Mark Overby]. Self-sacrificing, giving of herself to ensure that the ones she love are taken care of and protected. And the only thing she asks in return is that she feel like a heroine – YOUR heroine. She just wants to be appreciated for the love she so easily bestows. There are some men that get it; some men that understands how much it means to be loved by a woman of valor, worth, and of virtue. Some of them have probably seen firsthand what a woman goes through - giving of herself to a man that couldn’t appreciate it. Watching behind a door ajar as his mother, sister, best friend weeped at the hands of a broken heart. They vow to never hurt another woman and they don’t.
 
But then there are some other men. Some men that just don’t care. Cold and heartless. How do you slap a woman, put your arm around her neck and drag her to the ground? Punch and kick her until all she can see is black. Until her screams become weaker and weaker. Until she no longer responds. How do you tell a woman that she’s worthless? And nothing? A waste of your time. How do you look at her bruises and feel proud? Proud. Thinking to yourself, “Yes. I am a man. And I am in control.” Control? Is  that what this relationship is about? Is that what you feel like you should get out of this?
 
And the most twisted part about this whole mess? The woman still loves. It doesn’t remember fault. It remembers the beginning. Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit [Peter Ustinor]. This is what love is like to a woman. Wanting to fix every mistake. Thinking she is the woman that can make him into a better man. She is his superhero, ready to save him from himself. Forgetting that she herself needs a superhero. She needs to be catered to and taken care of. Pampered and treated like absolute royalty. Not trash. But see, that’s what a woman does. We love. Not BECAUSE of, but IN SPITE of.
 
Not every woman has suffered physical abuse, it could have been mental or verbal. But either way, IT IS ABUSE. And it is insufferable, yet we endure. We take it all in. we’ve been taught since the beginning of time, if you take care of a man, he’ll never stray. And so we do. We make sure you eat on time. We stroke your ego. Give of ourselves whenever asked. All the while thinking, “This man MUST know that I love him”. But sadly enough, we neglect to ask ourselves, “Do I KNOW this man loves me?”
 
Men please, I can’t begin to explain how much it PAINS me to write this. Because it’s so real. How do you tell a woman you LOVE her and turn around and do something like that? Lie to her. Cheat on her. Put your hands on her. If you don’t love her, why the hell are you still there? There are LOTS of women out there who just want a romp in the sack. But for a woman that desires love. REAL love. How ‘bout you leave her alone. And let a man that can truly appreciate her, find her.
 
xoxo,
La Chienne La Plus Douce